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May 27, 2014 Day # 43 Monologue Mania by Janet S. Tiger
Burt’s Blend (c)
(from The Donut Diaries)
by Janet S. Tiger
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Note- The first scene from THE DONUT DIARIES was Day #41
(A man comes onstage. At first, you think he is normal, but something is not right. Is it the fact he is wearing a different shoe on each foot? Nope, that’s the other crazy guy who goes by every so often. Maybe it’s that – when you pay attention and look closely - that his eyes are a little ….off. He also is looking around the Donut Shop and picking up things off the ground and putting them in his pocket. He then goes over to a table and takes the items from his pocket, laying them on the table. He chooses one- inspects it closely - and puts it into his mouth - it's a cigarette butt- then takes a lighter and snaps to get it lit.)
(Deep breath) Aaaah! Free smokes! This is the life!
(He lets out a big puff of smoke, slowly, enjoying every minute. Turns to listen to someone)
Hey, lighten up! I’m 20 feet from you! You don’t have to smell this!
(He blows the smoke in their direction. Listens)
Call the cops! I don't care! I’ll be done before they get here!
(He takes another deep breath of the cigarette)
That is the advantage of my new idea – I’m gonna have my own company, there's like, millions of these all over the place...everywhere I go.......and I’ll be rich! I’m gonna combine all these….
(He indicates the cigarette butts on the table, thinks)
To make a new cigarette…….and it’ll be free!
(Thinks for a minute)
If it’s free......how can I get rich?
(Thinks again, pacing as he does, face lights up)
I got it! I'm cleaning up the planet - they can give me donations! Whoa.....they can’t tax a gift, right?
(He does a victory dance)
What an idea! I... am...a....genius!
(He stops his self-accolation to dance and then think a bit)
And I got the name! It’s a perfect name! And it has my name in it!
(Puffs up his chest)
Burt’s Sidewalk Blend!
(Takes the last suck of the cigarette and stubs it out under his foot. Stops in this position, thinking hard. He starts to walk off, singing)
Burt’s Sidewalk Blend……Burt’s Sidewalk Blend……
When you gotta have the best, forget about the rest!
Burt’s Sidewalk Blend……
(He looks at the world, smiling broadly)
And they said I’d never amount to anything!
(He exits, still humming, picking up more of his product as he goes.)
End of scene
Where this will come in the play THE DONUT DIARIES I'm not sure, but it will not be the first time we see Burt - he will have been seen before, just walking through talking to himself. Picking up things off the ground, nodding at people, but not talking more than perfunctory things like 'hello', 'gbye' - until now.
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8