Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day - for a whole year! 
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
                                  For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
------------------------------------------------------------
Small print - A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law - the date of the post - and these are free to read, free to perform and video AS LONG AS NO MONEY IS CHARGED.  Once you want to charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me at [email protected] for royalty info.  These monologues - and all my writing -are protected as follows - All rights reserved under the Berne and Pan-American copyright convention.
But I will be happy to give permission to do a video for youtube, as long as I receive credit - like Tori Langley did -Click here for THE TOWEL LADY THE TOWEL LADY.
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!

-------------------------------------------------------------
Mar. 20, 2014  Girl on a Bus With Lawnmower  Day #36  Monologue Mania 

    Girl on a Bus (With Lawnmower)
            by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2014 all rights reserved tigerteam1gmail.com

(A girl comes onstage, she is in her twenties, dressed a little hippie-ish, and she is rolling a lawnmower.  She stands to the side, waiting for the bus.  It arrives – we know because the wind blows her a bit, and she hangs onto the lawnmower to make sure it doesn’t move.  She takes the lawnmower carefully up the steps)

Hang on, I have to get my pass…….here it is….

            (She shows it to the driver, is surprised.)

Whaddaya mean, what is this?  It’s a lawnmower, man!  Are you blind or something?  I mean, if you can’t see it’s a lawnmower, should you be like, driving this bus?

Whaddaya mean, I can’t bring the lawnmower on the bus?  I have a pass!  See!

            (She waves her wallet again.)

So where’s that rule?  Show me that rule!  Hey, this mower isn’t hurting anyone!  It don’t even hurt the grass, just cuts it – like a giant barber shop in the open air! 

Wait a second! Wait a second!  Look, I know there’s a lotta people gotta use the bus, but you’re only half full, how about we put it to a vote? 

            (She turns to the people in the bus, lifts her fist.)

If these people do not want me on this bus, I will leave, but first, let me ask them something….

            (She stands up tall.)

(Starts slow)  This is a good lawnmower, and I have to get it to an overgrown lawn across town, and I got no car, and no friends with cars…that have gas in them or that work right now, and this lawnmower is gonna be good – I won’t turn it on and make any noise! (Getting worked up)  I can’t walk ten miles with this mower, it’s little tiny tires aren’t strong enough!  They’ll wear out on the hot pavement, and then it won’t be able to cut that high grass and the grass will grow until it blocks out the sun and maybe even someone might get lost in the grass and maybe never be seen again! (Almost in tears)  I just gotta take the bus! And let me ask you... if it were a baby, would you say ‘no'?

            (She listens, smiles)

There, so all in favor of me staying on the bus with my lawnmower, raise your hands!

            (She looks around, smiles again.)

There, Mr. Driver, we’ll be good.

            (She stands, smiling, swaying with the bus, holding onto the mower.)

There, there, little mower, we’re almost home – you’ll be able to see your friends in the garage again……..

            (The bus jerks to a halt and she starts to exit.)

Thank you, Mr. Driver! That was a great ride!

            (Listens, in earnest)

Oh, hey, don’t worry…..I won’t be bringing the lawn mower back!  He’s home safe and sound!  I promise…tomorrow I will not be bringing a lawn mower on your bus!  Word of honor!

            (She steps off onto the street with the mower, waves at the bus)

Tomorrow.... I have a wheelbarrow!

            (She walks off, waving)

            The end...for now



Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day - for a whole year! 
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
                                  For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
------------------------------------------------------------
Small print - A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law - the date of the post - and these are free to read, free to perform and video AS LONG AS NO MONEY IS CHARGED.  Once you want to charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me at [email protected] for royalty info.  These monologues - and all my writing -are protected as follows - All rights reserved under the Berne and Pan-American copyright convention.
But I will be happy to give permission to do a video for youtube, as long as I receive credit - like Tori Langley did -Click here for THE TOWEL LADY THE TOWEL LADY.
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!

Today is the first day of Spring - and I wrote AROUND THE BLOCK - which is a good first day of spring piece - on Day #34, you can scroll down or click here
It joins my other Holiday Monologues here
-----------------------------------------------------------
Mar. 20, 2014  Day #35  Monologue Mania 


(Parental alert - some adult language and ideas)

                Badvertising
            (another segment for the Senior Channel)
                        by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2014 all rights reserved
                                     tigerteam1gmail.com

(An older woman comes onstage, she is carrying a folder and she is annoyed.  She can have a midwestern accent - or Southern, whichever the actress prefers - and whichever gets the most response from the audience She turns to face the wings, ignores the audience. )

Thank you for letting me on Senior Moments......

            (Hears something from the wings.  Cups her ear)

Sorry, don't have my hearing aid on......

            (She listens, turns to face her back to the audience, faces rear of the stage)

Thank you.....

            (Hears something, makes a turn and now faces the audience, peers at them)

Is that the camera?  If you say so…. can't see much without my glasses!.....(Takes a breath)

I’ll start again.  Hello, welcome to the Senior Channel's show, Senior Moments.

            (She opens the folder)

I am here today because I have a complaint - a much more important complaint than those two brothers who are always on here!

Look at this.

            (She fumbles with the papers, holding up one.)

This is a perfect example of what is wrong with our society today!

Can you read it?  If you received one of these ads in the mail, you will know what I am talking about!

I will tell you - it is an ad to help men.....

            (She turns to the wings)

Can I say the other words?

            (Listens, nods)

It helps men with their.....PRIVATE PARTS!

There I said it, on television, no less. 

            (She turns to listen)

I will not say some of those others words even if I can!  When TV first came out, it was nice, what children could watch - you didn't want to say words like penis on television!  OOOH......

            (She covers her mouth)

Sorry....that penis just slipped out of my mouth......I mean....l....(flustered)  let me get back to what I was saying.....

This......

            (Holds up the paper again)

Is an ad selling a product made with a special ingredient from a mountain in the Himalayas....(giggles)  Him..a ...layas.....probably why they picked those mountains....

Anyhow, they claim this magic mushroom will help men of all ages....in the bedroom....and it says this mushroom only can be harvested once a year!  And it might become extinct!

(Getting annoyed)  Here's my solution so that it won't become extinct - don't pick the damned mushrooms!

            (She holds the whole packet up now, getting very agitated)

And why do they have to do this to us?  I do not like to read these things!  They are too long!
This ad is 13 pages long and uses the word sex and erection over 75 times!  I counted!... Twice!

            (Takes deep breath)

On top of that, they have the gall to charge $57.50 ......for a sample!  And a six month supply is more than my rent!

            (Sputtering now- listens to comment from the side)

 Yes, I'm almost done.

            (She neatens the papers back in the folder)

And the worst part - the very worst part!

            (Deep sigh)

Is that.....it doesn't work!  (She hangs her head and exits)

The end.




Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day - for a whole year! 
Iif you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
                                  For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
------------------------------------------------------------
Small print - A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law - the date of the post - and these are free to read, free to perform and video AS LONG AS NO MONEY IS CHARGED.  Once you want to charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me at [email protected] for royalty info.  These monologues - and all my writing -are protected as follows - All rights reserved under the Berne and Pan-American copyright convention.
But I will be happy to give permission to do a video for youtube, as long as I receive credit - like Tori Langley did -Click here for THE TOWEL LADY THE TOWEL LADY.
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mar. 19, 2014  Day #35 Just a Prank       

            Just a Prank(c)
                                by Janet S. Tiger
                         (c) 2014 all rights reserved
                              tigerteam1gmail.com

(A young man comes onstage carrying some clothes with him and a bag.  To start, he is dressed in pants and a T-shirt that has black marks on it - looks like spray paint.  He is exuberant, bouncing.  There is a chair and table that he can use - he puts the bag on the table and the clothes on the chair.

(Very excited, slight, very slight accent, barely detectible, is it Spanish?)  Hey, we were having a great time, you know....it was just a couple of days before graduation, and we all had a beer......

(He opens the bag and dumps empty cans around the floor.)

Or two......(laughs)  or more.......

(He sits on the table)

And it was a beautiful night!

I mean, I am the first one in my family not only to graduate from high school, but to go to college!  And me and my friends….

            (He spins around)

We were flying....

            (He climbs onto the table, lifts his arms.)

(Cheering)  Cougars! …. COUGARS! ….(Screaming)  COUGARS!

            (He  jumps off, lands on some cans.)

I mean we were just doing what the kids from our school have been doing for years!  It was a tradition!  There was a big announcement paper with a sign on the front of the auditorium…we just…….improved it…….

            (He takes out a can of spray paint and illustrates as if the stage were the sign – big!)

We........are.........the.....(spells)….C...O..U.....G....A.......R......S....S......

(Laughs)  I think we forgot how many ‘esses’ were in Cougars!

And then we took the mascot from in front of the cafeteria and we moved it!

            (Goes to the table, turns it sideways, drags it around.)

We were having such a good time!

I mean we did just what all the seniors do!  Tradition!

            (He stops laughing) 

(Less jovial)  So when the new principal asked who had done this to the school, we thought it was just going to be like all the other years......

And we all confessed, and we were ready to clean it up......we made a mess, but we didn't break nothing!  ...we were prepared to fix it!.....Not  to get arrested!

            (He puts his hands behind his back, and hangs his head, walking off.)

(In anguish)  They took us to jail!

            (He takes his hands from behind his back and rubs them, they hurt.)

And they fingerprinted us!  And took pictures!

            (He shows the fingerprinting, and the photos)


And I never been to jail before....I mean, I know some people….but not my friends….we never got in trouble…..not once!


            (He takes a nice shirt out of the bag, puts it on)

My father was so mad at me!  And it almost killed my mother....nothing with the police all these years, and now this.....

(Thinks) Would I have still had fun that night- NO! 

(Hard to say) Worse than that.....my parents, they always teach me to tell the truth....but if I knew this was going to happen, I would not have told anyone I was a part of it.......

            (He now takes out a tie, which he clips on/ties.  He brings out a comb and combs his hair.  He looks like a nice young man.)

And now, my scholarship .....please.....members of the committee...please don't take my scholarship......it was ...just a prank......I’m sorry for what we did….but we didn’t mean anyone no harm…….

            (He looks at the audience, squares his shoulders)

It was just a prank.

(He turns and goes to walk offstage, stopping to pick up the empty cans.  As he does this, we can see he is trying not to cry.  He looks back.)

(Deep breath)  Just a prank!

(He exits.)

The end





Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day - for a whole year! 
Iif you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
                                  For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
------------------------------------------------------------
Small print - A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law - the date of the post - and these are free to read, free to perform and video AS LONG AS NO MONEY IS CHARGED.  Once you want to charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me at [email protected] for royalty info.  These monologues - and all my writing -are protected as follows - All rights reserved under the Berne and Pan-American copyright convention.
But I will be happy to give permission to do a video for youtube, as long as I receive credit - like Tori Langley did -Click here for THE TOWEL LADY THE TOWEL LADY.
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!
----------------------------------------------------------
Mar.18, 2014  Day #34 Monologue Mania 

                           Around the Block
                        by Janet S. Tiger (c) all rights reserved
                                [email protected]

            (A woman comes out onstage - she will start in her thirties, young, springy             step.  She will be walking ...around the block...throughout the entire piece.              She waves at someone)

Hello...how are you...beautiful weather!....Have a great day.......

            (She walks, then stops, looks up in awe)

Oh, my goodness!   How beautiful you are today!   I guess you're in bloom because it's the first day of spring!    It's going to be a great year, I can feel it....yes, you guessed it...I'm pregnant!  By this time next year, I'll be walking with my baby!  But until then, I will walk and say hello to you every day, my dear leafy friend.

            (She walks on, and will now walk with an umbrella, it's raining and                         blowing...and she is    fighting the gusts, with difficulty......waves at                     someone.)

What a day!  ......Hope it stops by the weekend for your party.......  Stay dry.....

            (She comes to the tree, and instead of looking up, is huddled underneath                 now.)

Wow, am I glad you're here!   Is it a storm or what?...........Hard to believe I'm walking without the kids again...they're both back in school.......but I guess you know that, Mr. Tree.....spring break was so short....and so misnamed......what a year!......ooh, it stopped raining so heavily, I'm gonna run now, see you tomorrow!...

            (She closes the umbrella and hurries off.....returning without a                             coat......walking slowly)

Hi, Mrs. Bowden.......okay, we'll get through it....thank you for bringing over the casserole......we'll be fine.......

            (She gets to the tree, sits below it heavily)

Boy, it's hot today.

            (She picks up a leaf, looks at it closely)

I guess you must be hot, too......

            (Looks up at the tree)

Did they give you a haircut in this weather?  Not very good idea….they should just be deep watering……

            (She sighs deeply and shakes her head)

Guess you know what happened......even though we knew Peter's Dad wasn't doing well, it's never easy, is it?  It makes you realize how short this trip is, like each walk around the block......you never know what you're gonna find....a new neighbor, that someone is moving....someone.....(hard to say)...passed away.  The street changes.......

            (Looks up at the tree)

You must've been upset when they took out all your friends, right?  I was!  Those were such beautiful trees!  And they made this street so shady, and, well, I guess I'm sorry for your loss, too.  But I’m glad you’re still here…like me….we’ll get through it…..

            (She stands up)

Gotta go, house full of people - thanks for listening.  I appreciate it.

            (She walks off, returning in a moment, but more quickly this time.)

(Speaking faster to the neighbors)  Hi, how's it goin?  Yeah, it's busy with the graduations and Robin leaves for Atlanta first thing tomorrow!  See you later at the party....sure the dogs are welcome!

(She gets to the tree, stops to catch her breath)

Why do people think their dogs are welcome at parties?  Can you tell me that, Mr. Tree?  (Thinks, looks up)  I imagine you are not fond of dogs at all, are you?  Boy, this walking fast is not for me!  I will just have to find another exercise!  Maybe swimming......I guess I  like to walk around this block....slowly...it's my time, to be by myself.....and maybe talk to a neighbor.......talk to you.... (laughs)

Whew, I know they put people away when they talk to themselves, but what about you?  Will they put me away for talking to a tree?

Well, gotta go!  A lot to do before the party!  See you tomorrow!

            (She walks away, waves at a neighbor in the distance0

Hi, Mr. Rodriquez!  Yeah, I was just talking....to you.....how's it going?  ...Oh, sorry you can't make it......

            (She walks off, returning next with a cane, walking more slowly, she is                 talking on a cell phone.)

Yes, Dee, it's hard to believe...after all these years, moving......I don't know ......the kids are helping.....it's.....not easy........

            (As she walks, she waves at neighbors.  Now a bit past the tree, she                     waves the cane back at it.)

Hold on, Dee....I have to get off, need to talk with....an old friend.....

            (She puts the phone in her pocket, stares up at the tree.)

Sorry to be so rude these last few months, Mr. Tree.  Those cell phones are so easy to get hooked on!  I’ve missed our little talks, but I guess we’ve seen each other, not for much longer though…you may have overheard….we’ll be leaving this street soon…..I’m going to say I’ll be back to visit, but you know how that goes…….

            (As if listening)

What did you say? ‘Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.’   I almost thought I could hear you!   (Laughs)  Whooey!  I must be tired!  Moving when you’re young is one thing, but when you put a few miles on, it’s different…..

            (Thinks)

I guess you don’t do a lot of traveling, Mr. Tree….(considers)….you know, maybe you’re not a ‘Mr’, maybe…. you’re a Mrs…. Or a Ms……or maybe you’re even a…. transgender tree!……(she laughs to herself over this)  Can trees be transgender?  Will have to look that up on the computer!  Boy, have things changed since I started walking around you!

            (She starts to walk away, waves at a neighbor in the distance, then turns             back to the tree.)

I just wanted you to know how much I’ve enjoyed our little talks over the years…..boy, this is gonna be strange…

            (She goes over to the tree and hugs it.)

I love you!

            (She pulls away, starts to laugh, shakes her head..she comes back around,             slowly,   nodding her head at neighbors, perfunctory rather than her earlier             pep, talking on her cell)

Hello…nice day…..how are you…..yeah, Dee, I’m better today…..but how are you doing, how’s that hand?  What did the doctor say? If you can’t drive me, it’s okay, I’ll get one of the neighbors…….I know you wanted to be here on the last day……

            (But now she gets to where her tree should be and she stops, her eyes widen, she takes a   deep breath)

My God….what happened? 

            (She screams into the phone)

Gotta go, Dee – there’s been a murder!

            (She closes the phone and looks around, the tree is gone!)

(Crying)  That must have been that awful noise yesterday!  I was sick and couldn’t get out of bed and all I could hear all day was ….a terrible machine……that was ….cutting you down!

            (She hangs her head, still upset)

And it must have been you crying!  As they chopped you up! 

            (She looks)

Down to your roots!  There is nothing left!  I can’t believe it!

How long have I been walking around this block?  Is it…….25 years?   And you are gone in ….one day?

            (She stands still looking around)

It is so ugly here now!  And I am so glad I am leaving!

            (She stops, listens to what she just said)

That’s the first time I said that…..I was looking for a sign that it was time to leave, and this is it.  This is the sign.

            (She hears her cell ring, puts it to her ear)

Sorry about that, Dee…..no, I’m fine…no, it was not a REAL murder, well in a way…it was …..just an old tree they tore down….(very affected still) ….a beautiful old tree……an old …friend…..sorry you got worried…..I’ll be done with my walk in a few minutes, and I’ll be…(hard to say)…. ready to go…..see you soon…..

            (She closes the phone, puts it in her pocket, starts to walk away.  She                 turns to look back.)

No offense, Mr. Tree, and I’m sorry it was you, but I’m very glad it wasn’t me!

            (She  squares her shoulders and exits.)


Janet S. Tiger   
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- if you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  For February's, click the February button under archives, or to start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.   For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
------------------------------------------------------------
Small print - A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law - the date of the post - and these are free to read, free to perform and video AS LONG AS NO MONEY IS CHARGED.  Once you want to charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me at [email protected] for royalty info.  These monologues - and all my writing -are protected as follows - All rights reserved under the Berne and Pan-American copyright convention.
But I will be happy to give permission to do a video for youtube, as long as I receive credit - like Tori Langley did -Click here for THE TOWEL LADY THE TOWEL LADY.
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!
---------------------------------------------------------------
for DJ - and all my Irish friends- too many to list! -Happy St. Patrick's Day!


Mar. 17, 2014  The Great Corned Beef Hunt  Day #33  

     The Great Corned Beef Hunt
                      by Janet S. Tiger  (c) 2014 all rights
                                [email protected]

(A young man comes out onstage.  He is wearing something - or everything - green.  And he has a big smile on his face.)

(Thick Irish accent)  Top o the mornin' to you all!

(Regular Boston accent)  And that's about it for my Irish accent!

But I am Irish...through and through, and today is St. Patrick's Day - the grandest holiday of the year!

At least that's what my Uncle Joe used to say, and my mother would tell him to be quiet, that Easter was the most important, because that was the day Jesus returned, but Uncle Joe would argue with her - the sign of truly brave man, or one who had already put in a few pints! -

(imitates a thick Irish accent)  But Molly, I didn't tell ye that Easter was grandest, you can surely have Easter as the most important, no doubt, but when it comes to grand, there is no other choice except it be St. Patrick's Day!

(Himself again)  And then he would recount why Christmas was really for the children, Ash Wednesday for the Pious and Fat Tuesday for the gluttons!  But for the drinking man - and my Uncle Joe was that - there was no grander day than 'the wearin' of the green'

But my Uncle Joe felt that children should not be drinking, and they needed to enjoy the day, too, so that was the reason to involve the children in finding- as he put it- 'the finest tastin' corned beef in the town' to eat on St. Patrick's Day - along with cabbage and potatoes, of course.

So, starting about a week before the big day, Uncle Joe would take me and my brothers and sisters on what would become some of the grandest days of our lives!  First, we would take the bus or subway to the finer neighborhoods in Boston, and he would herd us in, like Irish cattle of some variety into these - hi-falutin'! - places,..and we would come to the grocery sections, and there would be meat in packages, not hanging from the ceiling as in our neighborhood! - and the butchers had no dirty aprons, and everything smelled clean.....

We would have to be on our very best behavior, as Uncle Joe would peruse these plastic-wrapped corned beef specimens and analyze each one with a perfect eye, honed from years of practice choosing...corned beef.

It had to have just the right amount of fat, marbled in JUST the right way - so that when cooked, the fat would....suffuse was the word he used - suffuse into the meat, and the taste would be exquisite.

Amazingly enough, the meat in the fancy places never seemed to please Uncle Joe - it was always too fatty, or not quite fatty enough.  Never once did he mention what I now suspect was the real reason for him never buying at a 'rich man's butcher; their meat was too expensive!

So we would leave the 'fancy pants places' and visit less ornate stores in the areas I now know are called middle-class.  These establishments would be on nicer streets, and the butcher shops would have a mix of choices- but still, nothing good enough for Uncle Joe's discerning eye!

He would buy us all something to eat as we journeyed through the Boston of the 1940s, a post-war extravaganza of amazing excess and excitement.  Sometimes it was 'that Italian food' pizza - most often, hot dogs, still the leader back then.....before Macdonald's made us all burger crazy!

And thus, by the end of the day, we would be tired, dirty as children get, and ready to go home....but there would be no corned beef!

Surprisingly enough, we would end up at our local butcher shop, McGinnty's- who- surprise again!- was also one of Uncle Joe's favorite drinking buddies!

By this time, Uncle Joe was saddened by the lack of fine corned beef, and would complain to McGinnty bitterly about the problem, which was about to result in a - shocking!- corned beef-less St. Patrick's Day!

Suddenly, McGinnty would remember that he had just gotten in a new shipment - his last from some special place that had an amazing year for corned beef! As a child I remembered believing that corned beef grew better in some places, like a crop of better apples....and we would all be ushered into the meat locker where this incredible corned beef was being stored, never having been seen by human eyes other than McGinnty's or....now...us!

It was a solemn event, McGinnty would open the boxes slowly and show us the meat.....running his thick fingers along the fat lines.  

Uncle Joe would look, and his eyes would widen in appreciation.....(Irish accent)  'And that, my dear family, is what good corned beef is supposed to look like,  - we'll take it!'

McGinnty would look surprised, (as McGinnty, sounds almost the same as Uncle Joe) 'But Joe my dear friend, I haven't even told you the price!'

(As Joe) 'That's all right, my friend, I trust you to be fair.......wrap it up!

(Back to himself)  And we would cheer as if the Red Sox had won the World Series - the elusive corned beef had been found!

And it was - every year - dubbed the most delicious corned beef EVER in the history of the world!

            (He sighs, remembering.)

I was much older before I realized that the corned beef hunts were elaborately designed adventures - that Uncle Joe and McGinnty had the corned beef ready for us, that it had been paid for and the purpose of those marvelous days was never really that much about corned beef at all. 

Oh, yes, it was ostensibly the reason, but it also meant that once a year we would get to look at things we never got to see. (Remembering)  Clothing that was priced higher than a month's wages, objects for the home that we marveled at- washing machines, refrigerators....all manner of kitchen objects...people who were dressed well, and cars and houses that looked nice on the outside, not just on the inside.

And, combined with the exposure to other worlds, was the discovery that all these amazing places .......did not have anything better than what we could get in our very own backyard. 

(Thoughtful)  These were lessons in life that I think about now.

(Laughs) And, until I became a parent, I never realized that the Corned Beef Hunt day gave my mother and father a much needed vacation!

            (He now lifts his hand - with a fork in it- and is there something on the                 fork?)

So, today, on this special day, at age 78, I no longer can drink more than coffee, and only one cup of that! - but I can still  lift a bite of corned beef to make a toast in honor of my Uncle Joe – may he rest in peace!.....to this bar, where he spent so many happy hours, and to everyone - on St. Patrick's Day, the whole world can be Irish!

             (He turns to leave, looks back at the audience.)

Pretty good for a man in his 70s? 

             (Looks surprised)

Think I look very young for my age?  This is me on the inside - on St. Patrick's Day - everyone is young!

            (He walks off, whistling 'Wearing of the Green'.) 

            The end- have a delicious day!



Janet S. Tiger    858-27
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- if you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  For February's, click the February button under archives, or to start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.   For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
------------------------------------------------------------
Small print - A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law - the date of the post - and these are free to read, free to perform and video AS LONG AS NO MONEY IS CHARGED.  Once you want to charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me at [email protected] for royalty info.  These monologues - and all my writing -are protected as follows - All rights reserved under the Berne and Pan-American copyright convention.
But I will be happy to give permission to do a video for youtube, as long as I receive credit - like Tori Langley did -Click here for THE TOWEL LADY THE TOWEL LADY.
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!


----------------------March 16, 2014  Skip to Mai Lu  Day #32 Monologue Mania

            Skip to Mai Lu
                by Janet S. Tiger  (c) 2014 all rights reserved
                                   [email protected] 


(A smaller Chinese woman comes onstage.  She is in her 80s, and although she is dressed from the 1960s, dress, scarf, shoes appropriate....she is obviously from a different time - late 1800s perhaps, and she is smiles as she sits.)

(Slight accent)  Do you want me sit here?  This chair nice....

For how long you have questions, my Wěidà de sūnnǚ (corrects herself) …great-granddaughter?

            (Listens)

That not seem so long. 

            (Listens, nods)

I remember. (Faint displeasure) Only English.  This is story number four.  Still not understand why my stories interesting, but you know I want help you in school…..

Glad you bought new camera, so lights not so bright in eyes.

(Surprised) It already on?  I cannot hear this camera, it so quiet!

(In awe)  What things we have now…. in this year, this 1965....

Almost like new century every year....yes,  my story today, new century.

Only it perhaps not what you expect....this story about……(remembering)..  special day.

Very beautiful day…. your grandfather not work Sunday- we go to church…..after church, little bit time for ....fun.

We go into mountains.  We live in small mining town then, you remember I tell you last time?  Now ghost town, only not really, because people come ….. buy souvenirs of ghost town....but then, it was …..just spring. ... in last year of 1800 century....1899....

           (She sits for a moment, smiling, remembering, jolts back)

Sorry,  just remembering day......long winter…first warm day, first time for long time.....so we decide to go on yecan.....you call it.......peekneek...picnic....And we walk into mountains....it is sunny, and we start to climb one place we hear  nice flat spot at top.  And we are halfway up when we come to......... fence....

            (She illustrates with her hands)

This is fence made of....what you call it...wire that sticks you....(listens)…  that's it!  ......Barbed wire!  They use for animals not to go places, but people don't like, no, not for people who want nice picnic....

So your grandfather say to me, we not going back, not enough time….fence wire not stop us....and he hand.. ...picnic basket to me....... hold open wire so I can step through.

(Smiling, remembering)  His hands were ...strong...from the mine....he worked so hard...and still the fence cut him.... not me, he hold wire not to cut me, but rip my dress a little......not bad, five minutes fix.....

We keep climbing, and we get to the top, and.......(she sees it)….. beautiful.  Remind me of China, when I was little girl.....only different.  We have blanket…. we sit down…. eat.  Everything taste better outside, you know........fresh air....smell good.  Not like dirty mine, or hot room washing clothes, good air for chest.....we lie down... take nap before going home ….then.....

            (She raises her hand to point)

There is large bird....beautiful bird.... flying over us.....we watch and we wave at bird....

            (She waves.)

Your grandfather say it good luck, it (says it carefully) American eagle.  Good luck for us, always.

            (Thinks, smiles, shakes head) 

So we finish eat……sleep....and go down hill.

I do not want to go through.....wire again.....but something different......we get to …. ....wire.....barbed wire......and we look......(amazed)...and there....just few feet on right side....no more fence!

When we came up, we did not see no fence....but on the way down, we see ......and we walk around fence!.......Much easier than cut grandfather hand or rip dress......No fence!....NO FENCE!

            (She laughs, throwing her head back)

We laughed all the way home!  (Loud)  NO FENCE!

            (Wipes her eyes)

No, I am getting to new century....wait, have patience.....that is point of whole story about mountain and fence.....patience, not to worry if things look bad - if there is barbed wire in your way.....maybe you have to step back, look at fence from far away, see that problem is not so big, if you look at it in different way.

Through my life, whenever trouble comes, I think about fence….. I take walk someplace quiet,  look at trouble from far,  see....where barbed wire end.  Sometimes.....need get very far, but always....it ends and there is answer, better answer than when trouble first show up.

            (Listens, starts to get annoyed)

Not rush!  Getting to point of story- take time with story like with food - not rush, not get bad stomach!

            (Takes deep breath)

Next week was my birthday, your grandfather get me present, first time something I can use.........this scarf........

            (She removes the scarf from around her neck, holds it out.)

Very pretty, yes, I wear long time!   Be careful not rip, too valuable........can you see design....

            (She holds it up and points, smiling)

That right, looks like wire fence!  Pretty colors with design like wire fence!   (Laughs)  NO FENCE!

            (She takes the scarf and wraps it around her neck.  Takes deep breath)

I marry your grandfather when I only 16, he … 18.  Arranged marriage, but we knew each other  little bit, so it was ok. 

I like grandfather because he like sing silly songs.....(imitates)...she'll be coming round the mountain when she comes.....and his favorite......(imitates, fondly)  ....skip to My Lou my darling.....


            (Claps hands)

You understand!  Because Mai Lu is my name!  He love that song, sing it all the time.  He tell me song is only for me!  I tell him stop, but he not listen.....but secretly, I like when he sing!
You married now great-granddaughter, you know how it is between husband and wife.....

            (Remembering, now less cheerful)

But no baby.  Married four years, no baby, no good.  Those days, no baby right away usually mean no baby......never.

So, very sad...but then, something happen....(smiles again)....on the mountain......and few months later, your mother born...you know day!  (Slowly) January one, nineteen zero zero!  ..Special baby, happy baby!  And first baby in American new year..... everybody make big party!  Give presents, name in paper......man comes to grandpa and offers him chance grandfather start own laundry business…..name of store….Kuàilè bǎobǎo Xǐyī diàn....Happy Baby Laundry.......(smiles) …good things in new year......

Good things.......

            (Deep breath)

End of story!

            (She stands up)

So granddaughter, where we eat? 

            (She sees her great-granddaughter is affected by the story)

Not cry!  Good story- happy ending!  Everyone in this country like happy endings!  If you want cry, have lots sad stories!

            (Listens, more sympathetic)

Yes, always life has barbed wire fence.......secret is knowing when to climb through, and when to walk around....that is why I told you story.....not let anyone stop you making movies......you follow heart.....only happy ending.....

            (She turns)

So where we go now?  I like place with Jī……chicken......Colonel Sanders!  Good for picnic! 

            (She walks out, starting to talk to herself in Chinese and English as she                 goes.) 

Maybe we go on picnic......only no mountains and no wire fence.......sound good? 

(Quieter)  And who knows?......Maybe one day, you get this scarf.....

             (The end.)

Janet S. Tiger    858-274-967
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- if you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
Scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  For February's, click the February button under archives, or to start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.   For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
------------------------------------------------------------
Small print - A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law - the date of the post - and these are free to read, free to perform and video AS LONG AS NO MONEY IS CHARGED.  Once you want to charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me at [email protected] for royalty info.  These monologues - and all my writing -are protected as follows - All rights reserved under the Berne and Pan-American copyright convention.
But I will be happy to give permission to do a video for youtube, as long as I receive credit - like Tori Langley did -Click here for THE TOWEL LADY THE TOWEL LADY.
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for sharing this site with other actors!

Today is Purim - my Purim Spiel was Day # 27 - Esther's Pimple
Tomorrow I hope to have The Great Corned Beef Hunt for St. Patrick's Day
Happy Holidays to all!

Mar. 15, 2014 Day #31 Monologue Mania  

                                 The Test  
                      by Janet S. Tiger  (c) 2014 all rights reserved
                                [email protected]

(A young man comes into the room, he is verrrry jjjjjjjjumpy, incredibly so!  He paces, mutters, runs his hands through his hair, sighs deeply, then drops on his knees to the floor, lifting his hands over his head.)

(In anguish, almost an English accent)  Oh, God, why have you forsaken me!

            (Thinks)

Or is it...forsooken?  Forsook?

            (Thinks again, just in as much anguish)

No, it's forsaken, oh, God, why have you forsaken me!

I know I am not worthy, but why this torture?  Why now?  I mean, I knew it was coming, but now that the noose is 'round my neck, and I can feel the hangman close, I cry out to you, spare me!

I will do better!  I will work harder!  I will not fail you as I have in the past!

            (There is a sound and he hears, shudders)

It is my time, I know.  I will try to bear it as a man, though I am still but a boy.

Why is it my lot to face these horrors?  Why me, oh God?

Is there nothing I could have done to avoid this?

No trick, no scheme, no legitimate way?

I promise on my word of honor, that if you will excuse me this day, that I will devote my service to you forever!  (Deep conviction)  I....swear!

            (He quiets a bit, turns to the door, hangs his head.)

I am not, but I am, ready.....

            (He hangs his head, then turns back one last time, almost shrieking)

Oh, please, God!  Let me not have to…….(normal, sad voice)  take this biology test.

            (He shakes his fist and runs out.  The end - but unfortunately, not the end             of tests!)








Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- if you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
Scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  For February's, click the February button under archives, or to start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.   For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
------------------------------------------------------------
Small print - A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law - the date of the post - and these are free to read, free to perform and video AS LONG AS NO MONEY IS CHARGED.  Once you want to charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me at [email protected] for royalty info.  These monologues - and all my writing -are protected as follows - All rights reserved under the Berne and Pan-American copyright convention.
But I will be happy to give permission to do a video for youtube, as long as I receive credit - like Tori Langley did -Click here for THE TOWEL LADY THE TOWEL LADY.
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com

Thank you for your comments and sharing - only 335 days to go!
(Still waiting for the first video - how about you?)

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mar. 14, 2014  Day #30 Monologue Mania 



                             FOUND!  (c)
              A new installment on the Senior Channel by Janet S. Tiger
                (c) 2014  all rights reserved  [email protected]

            (A woman comes onstage.  She is dressed as a detective- think senior                   Sherlock Holmes - with a pipe if you can do it.  She walks to a chair and                 table which has items on it- she is in the mode of the very typical TV                     salesperson, and has a big smile on her face. )

Hello!

My name is Detective Louisa Harding, and you may know me from my TV show - Senior Detective Story, shown right here on this channel every Saturday night at 8PM, for those who can stay awake that long!

How did I get the part?  I was always a detective - and now I have a chance to practice my chosen profession EVERY DAY!

How?  My new company FOUND! enables me to help you find just about anything!

What am I talking about?

Yes, you guessed it!  I'll bet every one of you sitting here watching has LOST SOMETHING! 

            (She looks at the table, picks up keys and shakes them.)

Forget about where the kids are - do you know where your KEYS are?

Right now?

What about these?

            (She waves a pair of glasses at the audience)

Are you wearing them?  Are you SURE?

And how about......

            (She pushes buttons on a cell phone.)

Has your cell phone run out of juice so that you can't hear it anymore?

I CAN HELP!

Ever since I was a little girl, I was great at finding things - and over the years, I have developed this into a science.

Lost your favorite pen, the only one that ever writes and that you love so much - I can figure out where it went!

            (She illustrates on the table - the pen was in a book!)

Missing your  jacket - I can find it!

            (She lifts up a jacket on the chair - and...lo and behold!...another jacket is             below! )

What about that pesky migrating remote?  Or the radio you just had in your pocket?  One shoe disappear?  I can find it!

            (She illustrates by 'finding' these objects, then takes out a handkerchief                 and wipes her brow)

Whew!  This finding stuff is hard work.....

And you know it, too!  How many minutes, hours....DAYS...of your life have you spent looking for things?  And I'll bet some of you….maybe more than some!.... have never found the item.....so not only did you spend the time, you got NOTHING back!  Lost objects, lost time!  And we are all of us on borrowed time, we have not one moment to waste looking for these lost items......and…contrary to what other telemarketers tell you…..not enough room to rope them onto our bodies....

            (She takes some of the items and drapes them around her neck, arms,                 pretending to choke  on the string from the glasses.)

How'd that work out for you?

And what about this waste of money?

            (She takes out a beeper of some kind, aims it at the table)

This was supposed to work like this on your keys -

            (She presses again, no noise)

But what about when one of the units runs out of electricity - because you didn't need it for a few days! 

            (She starts whacking the beeper on the table)

Now you have to find two things - the missing keys - and the replacement batteries!  
(Mutters)  Now where the heck did those batteries go?

            (She looks in the jacket pocket - there they are!)

Voila!  Another mystery solved!

You may be asking - how the heck does she do it?  Does she go nuts like my wife Hilda when she can't find the object?  NO!  I am a seasoned professional - having found thousands of items for hundreds of people all over the world for the last THIRTY years!

How DO I do it?

It's a combination of my natural born inquisitiveness, and my training as a detective....although I am now retired, I use the same skills now that I did for 22 years working for the Peabody Police Department.....my main tool...is right here....

            (She points to her head.)

That's right, my brain.  I use logic, and careful observation, and meticulous attention to detail to discover where you put your....WHATEVER!

And is it worth it?  What is your time worth at this stage in your life?  At age 65, 75, 85….do you have an extra five years to waste looking for things you have lost?

I give you back your time - and....for a small fee, I teach you how to find objects yourself, so you don't have call me again!

Like what you hear?  Want to start finding things…..Do you want me NOW?  Well, give me a call and I’ll show you how!

Just call the number you see on your screen - it's in giant numbers so you don't have to get too close to the TV - and you will reach one of my schedulers.

I make house calls - but I also work over the phone, for those on a limited budget!  That's right, I can find things - OVER THE PHONE!

Try me out -  write that number down!  Do it now!  And if you forget where you put the paper with the number…that happens, right?…. just remember 1-555-FOUND IT!

            (She smiles, then hears something from the side.)

Oh, yeah, almost forgot.....(very fast, almost breathless by the end) ....My disclaimer.....I can find almost everything that is lost....including but not limited to...glasses, pens, cell phones, portable phones, keys, legal documents, staplers and other small office machines, articles of clothing, pens, utensils, small mementos of all but radioactive description,  (slows a bit)  I can find EVERYTHING......except people.  If you have lost someone, please call your local police department.....(sighs) finding people is just too difficult, too dangerous and too sad.  (Back to commercial speed)   And please, do not call if you have lost your marbles!  When those are gone, not even I can find 'em!   Thank you!

(Deep breath)  Be sure to watch me - Captain Louisa Harding, Senior Detective Story, 8 pm , every Saturday....and remember the Senior Channel motto - Not old, but Bold!  And certainly not mold! 

            (Lights off, the end)   




Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button (For a list of all the monologues with blurbs, click here)
Small print - A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law - the date of the post - and these are free to read, free to perform and video AS LONG AS NO MONEY IS CHARGED.  Once you want to charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me at [email protected] for royalty info.  These monologues - and all my writing -are protected as follows - All rights reserved under the Berne and Pan-American copyright convention.
But I will be happy to give permission to do a video for youtube, as long as I receive credit - like Tori Langley did -Click here for THE TOWEL LADY THE TOWEL LADY.
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
-------------------------------
This is one month to the day (because February is a short month!) since I started this blog.   Feb. 13, 2014 was Day#1 and there are now twenty-nine with today's monologue. 
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please scroll down.  For February's, click the February button under archives, or to start at Feb. 13,  click here.   For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here

Thank you for your comments and sharing - only 11 months to go!
(Still waiting for the first video - how about you?)
------------------------------------------------------------

Day #29 Monologue Mania  
Mar. 13, 2014 

                    The Last Roll  
                        by Janet S. Tiger  (c) all rights reserved
                           [email protected]

(A man comes onstage carrying a roll of....you probably guessed from the title!...toilet paper.  He is in his 50s, maybe 60s, but he walks and talks like a much younger man tonight.  He holds out the roll to the crowd, almost as if to make a toast.  He has a thick Russian accent.)

Hello, my friends, sank you for coming here tonight to celebrate our anniversary - not our wedding, vee married so long, vee cannot remember sat day!  No, anozer big day in our lives - the day vee first came to America!

And now, I lift zis roll in honor of forty years in zis great country!  Let me tell you a little story about zis roll, and vy it is so special......

When vee lived in Russia, vat vas called Soviet Union, but always vee call it Russia, when vee lived there, nobody had toilet paper.  I zink you could say it vas like national treasure!

Actually, most people didn't have a lot of things...except of course for the leaders, they had plenty.  But for most of us, not so much good stuff.  And hard to find, and when you find it, not easy to get.  Lots of problems, and ze fact wanted to leave, zat did not help eezer!

But vee worked, and vee waited, and worked and waited more.  Then, lucky.  Vee get the word, after more zan four years waiting, vee can go.  Zey have decided vee have no state secrets, vee can go!

Vee start to sell all our things to make ze money for a new life. Not easy, but it vas an amazing time.  To look back now, I do not know how vee did it.  Family, friends, they helped, but it vas not an easy time. 

(He wipes his eyes, it is hard to remember, yet.... good)

And when vee ve are coming to move, I packed up the rolls vee had saved, hoarded - which vas actually against the law! - and put zem into one of the two suitcases I vas allowed to leave Russia with.

My wife, you know Anna, everyone, am I right?...she sinks I'm crazy!  Maybe she is a little right, too?  Vell, I tell her - vat if vee get to United States and zey have no toilet paper? 

She tells me...(imitates her voice)  'Gregory....vee just buy some in Italy!'

But I am nervose, I cannot take zis chance!  To be wizout toilet paper, zis is a terrible nightmare for me!

(Animated) You in zis great country have not an idea vat it's like to have no toilet paper!  You think no toilet paper means someone didn't bring the toilet paper into the bathroom from the closet!  Or worse, you forgot to buy at store.....but zis is not the worst, I can tell you from bitter experience!

(Listens)

All right, Anna, I will not go into too much detail!

Anyhow, so vee leave behind many zings...(he looks as if he is actually seeing these items)......books that are gifts from my grandparents, clozing that mean something special, letters from my family....all because I want to make sure vee never run out of toilet paper.

            (He is very affected, suddenly remembering those days, slowly gets a hold              of himself)

And so vee go to Italy to wait for papers to come here.  And ven ze guards open up my suitcase and look and see all the toilet paper…they laugh!  And the other passengers, they laugh!  But I do not care….and I do not use the toilet paper from Russia....just in case.

And vee get ze papers, and vee come here to California, and vee start a new life....and my wife starts using the toilet paper.

(Quickly)  Not in ze bathroom!  Nooooo, she prefers the nice soft paper from the commercials on the television!  The ones with the silly man!  She says what I bring from Russia is too rough…she will only use the toilet paper from Russia - to clean up spilled things!

And I don't mind, because I have this one last roll, saved here in my dresser, so she vill not find it.....

            (Listens)

I know you knew it vas there, Anna!  It's a story, you have to make a story a little bit different - or else it's just the news!

Anyhow, I saved this roll here......

            (He waves the roll in the air around his head)

...I saved it to remind me vy vee came.

And it has been a good reminder of all the sh........

            (Reacts as if someone slapped him)

......all right Anna, I'll be careful for the grandchildren!..  a reminder of all the crap vee left behind to come to this amazing, crazy land.

And now vee  are citizens, how many years is it?  Thirty-five!  Sometimes, with all the sh.....(says it carefully)  ...all the crap here, ze arguing, ze fighting, ze crazy people.......it can be easy to forget exactly vy vee did come, ....then I look at my children, at my grandchildren....at you, Anna, at all my friends ...and I am grateful all over again.....But when I look at zis....zis roll.....

            (He holds it up again)

When I look at zis beautiful roll...(chokes a little).....I remember.

I remember that I vaited for 6 hours, in the rain, the very cold rain, to get this roll and the others.  I remember that I would think, vile I vas waiting, about who vas making zese rolls, in vat prison camp....I mean factory....and vas the person still alive who made these.  Now they are probably gone.....and I hope zey lived long enough to see the end of ze  Cold War...but they probably did not. 

So I have to live for them - all those who could not make it to the day of freedom, ze day, when, even in Russia, you could buy as much toilet paper as you want - as long as you have ze money!

            (Holds it up as if to toast)

Is great country, yes?

            (He lifts the roll high, like a famous statue we all know)

Ven vee sail into New York City, I see that great lady you have waiting for us, the tired and poor and huddled....vatever that means.....and it is like a....

            (He waves the roll, takes deep breath, almost overcome with emotion)

It is like ....like she is waving at me!

            (Gets control)


To ze United States!

Sank you, America!

            (He is almost crying, and looks at the roll, takes off a piece and wipes his eyes.  He now    smiles and throws his head back)

Amazing!  After all these years!  Still…just like sandpaper!

            (He continues to wave the roll as he carries it out.  Ze end.)

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This piece is dedicated to all the Russian immigrants who came over to this country - from the 1800s through the 1980s.  Our family was lucky enough to be able to help several families acclimate to this grand place we call the United States during the 1970s - I will never forget their faces when they saw the first really large grocery store - it was a look of total awe.  It helped me appreciate even more what is so often taken for granted about this country - our freedom.

Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.veeebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Sveedenborg Hall 2006-8

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Day #28 - 4 weeks!  And even though I could write The Lady and the Tiger, I think this is a bit....different.

March 12,  2014  Monologue Mania  Day #28 

      The Lady and the..... Chicken
                    by Janet S. Tiger  © all rights reserved                                                                 [email protected]

           

            (A woman enters- she is dressed beautifully, and she is older, strong and                 lovely.  She might even remind you of a Shakesperian character. This is an             audition for a lady, and she is confident that she has it nailed it.)

Thank you for having the auditions after work, it’s a big help for a lot of us actors.

            (Listens)

Yes, that’s my name, and I will be doing the Act 5 Scene 1 speech from Mr. Shakespeare’s Macbeth……

            (She puts her purse on the floor, takes a deep breath, is now Lady                         Macbeth.)

(With great emotion) Yet here’s a spot…..

            (She stops, interrupted)

Excuse me?  What did you ask?

            (She starts to get irritated.)

Yes, I am that actress.

            (Listens, reacting in a more annoyed way.)

That is correct, I have been doing that (says it with disdain) commercial for over a decade…..

            (Crosses arms, is Lady Macbeth again, but a little less composed)

Out, damned spot! Out, I say…one, two, why then, ‘tis time to…do’t….Hell is murky…


            (Hears another interruption, is very annoyed now)

(Very cold)  No, it is not a living chicken I swing around my head.  The humane society will not allow it.

            (Starts tapping her foot.)

There is no need to laugh…. That commercial allowed me to buy a house and get my two children through very expensive colleges!

            (Listens, getting more angry, and tapping faster)

So, if I understand you correctly, you are saying not one but… two insulting things – (annoyed) first, that I am not a good enough actress to portray a character totally different from a hillbilly woman who swings a chicken around her head!  (very annoyed) And second, that your audience…..who in your eyes probably does not know the difference between Macbeth and Macdonald’s -  is incapable –even if I wear a totally different wardrobe than an old gunny sack and a dirty scarf! -   of seeing me as anything but a hillbilly woman who swings a chicken around her head!

            (Listens, now horrified)

(Almost shrieking) And sings the ….the song….which I will never EVER sing for you!

            (She now takes her purse to storm off the stage, hears something, then                 turns and comes back, she is listening very closely.)

You want me to do what?  And how much did you say?

            (Listens)

Show me the money!

            (She watches, then indicates she will accept and walks to the front of the             stage.  She leans down, someone hands her something, which she takes,                 counting)

(Quiet, but pleased)  One hundred, two hundred....three....,

            (She then puts the money in her purse, keeping the purse open)

You think you are sooooo funny, well, did you think this was the first time I ever heard those stupid remarks before?

            (Now she fully opens her purse – and removes a rubber chicken.  While                 holding the edge of her skirt,  she proceeds to swing the chicken around                 her head wildly.)

(Very hillbilly)  Well, golly gee, lookahere what I just found fer dinner!

(Singing-tune is Skip to ma lou)  …chicken in the crock pot, just like home! 

                                          Chicken in the crock pot…we remove the bones!

                                           Chicken in the crock pot…..cluck, cluck, cluck

              (Louder- very commercial)  Special deal – 15 pieces for only 10  bucks!  

           
            (She throws the chicken into the audience and wipes her hands, smiles,                 stands up straight  again as Lady Macbeth - she’s going to finish!)

(With anger, but very strong) ‘Tis time to do it….an actor’s hell is murky!..... who would have thought the old …rooster had so much blood in him…… here’s the smell of the chicken blood still …..all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand!

            (She takes her purse, hears something, looks surprised.)

Do I want the part?

            (She smiles, starts walking out)

Why would I do that?  I make more money at auditions! 

            (She exits, laughing.  The end.)




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With apologies to Will - and kudos to all the actors and actresses over the years who have gone past the commercials to achieve greatness!