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Apr. 26, 2014 Day #73 Monologue Mania
by Janet S. Tiger
© 2014 all rights reserved
(A woman walks onstage. She is smoking. She waves at the audience.)
Hiya! This is Gamblers Anonymous. My name is Agatha, and I am an addict…..I also like to take things I haven’t paid for yet, but that’s another meeting.
(Takes a deep puff of the cigarette.)
As you can see, I am an addict of several things – one of them is these….
(She waves the cigarette around)
I also have other addictions – but I have trouble remembering them all because I also have ADD – and its brother, ADHD, which together gets me a little bit of OCD, which is why I say I have COPD – because my OCD makes me smoke – over and over again.
(Thinks) Hmm, does that make me an alphabet soup of problems?
Now why am I here? You’ll have to excuse me, you see all the medicine for all my problems give me CRS - which stands for….Can’t Remember Sh…..
(Looks at someone in audience, nods)
Okay, okay…I’ll watch my Ps and Qs…..Hey, more letters! I graduated with a BS and became an RN……
(Laughs, starts to cough, almost chokes)
Ooh, if I keep doing that, I’ll be SOL!
(Tries to stop coughing by lighting a cigarette – not easy when one is coughing, as the light goes out often – finally taking a deep breath and getting some control.
BTW - I have a BFF who says that I should stop smoking these things – but I don’t listen to her because she’s an A-S-S!
Okay, okay, I get it! Original introductions are frowned upon here at GA!
(Takes another deep breath of cigarette smoke)
What was I saying? So, I am an addict…..I am a gambler……
Betcha can’t tell if I haven’t gambled this week!
(Laughs, stops quickly)
Sorry, I just want everyone to know that I did NOT gamble this week, unless you consider smoking to be gambling, which some people tell me it is, and I do not agree with. This is still my body! I’ve been through eighteen surgeries – from my back to my elbow to my toe to my neck, and everywhere in between!
And if I want to keep smoking these damn things I will do that! Because it is the only damned pleasure I have! I can’t gamble, and I can’t eat foods that have the letters A to Z in them, and I can barely pee anymore, and maybe I smoke because it’s the last thing I can do for myself without some damned machine being stuck into my body!
(She stands up tall)
And if all of you don’t like sitting outside for these meetings so I can smoke, because my rich old daddy paid for this whole center, then go to some other damned meeting!
(Takes a deep breath of smoke, blows it out)
There my friends, you have it, the truth, like you never hear it on the news! Welcome to Gamblers Anonymous……which usually works for a lot of people……and now....lets have a great meeting!
(She takes the cigarette and stubs it out, coughing and choking as she leaves. The end…. just don’t bet on it)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8