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Monologue Mania Day #138 by Janet S. Tiger (c) June 30, 2014
Legend of the Donut Shop Diamonds
(from the one-act)
by Janet S. Tiger
(c) June 30, 2014 all rights reserved
(A woman approaches, this is Lizzie. She is in her fifties, with a lot of make-up and smoking, smoking and blowing the smoke. She waves at someone, happy to see them.)
(Fast, no chance to interrupt her)Hi, Eddie, you look great! How are you feeling today….Oooh, someone new, how are you? What’s your name? Is this your first time here at the Donut Shop? I don’t recall seeing you here before.
Do you, Eddie, huh? I know just about everyone here and you are definitely new faces! I never forget a face, do I Eddie? And you all are new, are you new to the area, or you just discovered our delicious donuts?
(She laughs uproariously)
That’s a good one, huh, Eddie? Delicious!
(She slaps Eddie on the shoulder, the coffee almost spills)
Well, the donuts may be awful, but we’re fresh! Oh, yeah, always fresh and tasty! We may be old, but not as old as these donuts! You know what we always say - these donuts were old when the dinosaurs spit them out! Don’t we say that, Eddie? Don’t we? We have a whole group of people come here to this place because it’s better than Starbucks, isn’t it? The coffee is cheaper and there’s no wi-fi, so no one sits playing with themselves! I mean playing with their phones – you know what I mean! The people are fantastic! We are like one big happy family!
(She listens and she shrugs)
All right, one big crazy dysfunctional family! Eddie is always right, aren’t you, Eddie? Eddie may be 86, but he’s sharp as a tack! Very sharp, we are always impressed with how smart Eddie is, he knows everything about current events, don’t you Eddie?
So you folks are here for the first time, right? There’s a lot of people who come here who are very unusual. Like Joey, the guy that comes from a very rich family, but lives in the canyon! That’s so sad, but he’s not a bad guy, you just have to watch you don’t make him mad. And then there’s Anna, who likes to hug everyone, even if she doesn’t know them, and she has like a hundred cats, so she is COVERED in cat hair, and fleas, too. I can’t give her a lift anymore because the last time I had to have my car fumigated. (Gets excited) Oh, if this is your first time here, that means you haven’t heard about Barney, he’s one of the guys who comes here and he is very strange – we don’t talk any more because he says mean things about me, things that are just not true, well, some of them are true, I do like to talk a little bit more than most people, but, that balances out the others, like Edna, who never says a word unless you tear it out of her with pliers!
(She laughs and starts to cough wildly)
Sorry about that, I have a touch of asthma. Well, more than a touch, I have to go the hospital every week because come two in the morning, I can’t breathe. I think I have died about ten times this year! Well, maybe not died, but they have to give me medicine, and then a mean old nurse tells me I should stop smoking, and then depending on how busy the emergency room is that night, some mean old doctor gives me the same lecture. Like they think I don’t know that smoking is terrible, I am in the damn hospital every other day, hello?
(Because this reminds her, she lights another cigarette)
By the way, this is Eddie, and I am Elizabeth, also known as Lizzie, and for all who know me, the undisputed Queen of the Donut Shop! Pleased to meet you.
(Reaches out her hand to shake)
Get it? Queen Lizzie and King Edward? Just like in England? Are you from England? If you are, we don’t mean anything bad by this, it’s just fun! We like to have here, don’t we, King Eddie? We have a lot of fun! Oh, wait, I was going to tell you about Barney and the diamonds…..yeah, you heard me, diamonds! Barney used to be in the jewelry business, and he used to tell everyone he had a stash of diamonds for when the society collapses, which he figures is going to be soon, and he has those extra food rations, and I think he has a secret cave someplace to go hide in, probably with guns, too! Anyhow, Barney told everyone he had these diamonds, which, although Barney is a bright guy, he has a Masters Degree in something, I think Philosophy, he told everyone, and not everyone is as honest as King Eddie here. So what do you think happened? I mean, please! Somebody must have heard him talking, or maybe somebody with a big mouth told someone who was perhaps not so honest, and one night, when Barney was walking his cute little dog, Burble, well, someone followed him home, and when he opened the door, the person hit him over the head and dragged him into his apartment, and then gave the dog some treats so Burble wouldn’t bark, and they just ransacked the whole place and when they didn’t find any diamonds, they took Burble and made Barney pay a ransom for her at the ATM! It was horrible! And a big scandal and there were articles in the paper, okay, maybe one article…..and the police were involved and it was the most exciting thing that ever happened to the Donut Shop!
(She now takes a huge breath, and starts coughing again)
By the way, we sit out here because I am no longer allowed to smoke within like a million miles of the Donut Shop, now I ask is that fair? I’m an addict, and I want to quit, but nothing works! I had those stupid patches, and they made me sick, and I’ve tried gum and even hypnosis, but I have a medical problem, I cannot stop. It’s like a part of my brain would have to be cut out! Speaking of my brain, I don’t know what I’ve been thinking about, I have to go pick up my grandkids. They’re getting art lessons so they so they can be rounded individuals. You should see my refrigerator! It’s covered with their beautiful pictures! I am so impressed
(She gets up, gathers her things)
Gotta go. Nice meeting you! Hope we see you again….here’s my phone number, if you ever need anything, just give me a call….
(Stops and listens)
Why does Barney not like me? Oh, it’s silly, but he thinks I told someone about the diamonds, and that’s why he got attacked, and Burble has never been the same, and Barney still blames me, all because I told Donna, the lady behind the counter in the donut shop, that I knew who was behind the attack, but I didn’t really know anything, I just like to talk, and Barney, he never can understand when a person wants to talk, because that’s what he likes to do, and no one better talk when he’s talking! You know what I mean, he’s pretty annoyed when anyone interrupts his talking!
(She hugs Eddie and exits, still talking)
Bye, Eddie! See you tomorrow…. And it can be so irritating when people are nasty when you have to add something important to the conversation…..but since he won’t talk to me anymore…which I still don’t understand
Diamonds? Barney said he never had any, he was just joking. Some joke! He almost died laughing!
(She turns to leave, then stops and looks around)
But I do believe there are diamonds here……In fact, I think the real diamonds here…..are the people….
(She exits. The end)
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8