Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day - for a whole year! 
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down. 
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Today is Cesar Chavez Day, and I am working on a monologue about Maurice Jourdane and his battle against the short handled hoe, but it is not ready - due to events that led to the monologue below - which is....believe it or not......a true story........
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Mar. 31, 2014  Day #47  Monologue Mania

                        I Have a Dream
                                        by Janet S. Tiger
                                © 2014  all rights reserved
                                      tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A woman comes onstage, she opens a small paper and reads, moving with the story to illustrate the words.)

Have a dream- I wake up in a cold sweat - well, actually, it's a hot sweat, because I have never had a cold sweat, due to the fact that when you sweat, it's usually because you are hot!

Anyhow, I am being carried away by these giant monkeys, kind of like the ones in THE WIZARD OF OZ, only they are giant, did I mention how big they are?  And they are not monkeys, but more like that 'S' on the desktop that represents, Skype- and it is scary!

They are laughing and giggling and telling jokes about me - and worse, they are talking about how they plan to put more 'S' signs everywhere!  Not just on every email, but on my clothes, too!

I look, and I am wearing a giant blanket - and it has a giant blue 'S' and it is covering my body!

As we fly over the land, it is changing color from green to blue, the Skype light blue.....as if in some sci-fi movie, only it is not a movie, my dream is real!

For the final horror - and this happens with accompanying music -  when I pull back the blanket over my bod- there is even more horror!

I- ME- am covered in the blue insignia! of Skype!

There is no escape.......

And so I awaken......the sky is.....oh, no.....BLUE!  Oh, wait, that's still normal, as there are no 'S' s in the sky.......yet.  I look carefully.  My body, ok a bit sleep wrinkled, and yes, more doughy than when I was 25, not 55, ok, 58.....is the regular pasty shade, not covered in blue, thank goodness!

I breathe a sigh of relief, run immediately to my computer, deciding that today is the day...today I will delete the dreaded Skype!

I boot up - am greeted by the blue square - do I want to make a call?  'NO' I scream - I still have never made a call, as, surprisingly enough..... I cannot figure out how to use Skype - and now, I do not want to make a call!  I want to delete your ugly face, never to be seen on my computer!  I drag the icon to the recycle bin.......no luck, it will not go!  Or it goes, but doesn't disappear from the desktop!

I cry, then remember a dear sister who has sent instructions how to delete the beast.

I pull up the instructions, barely readable as every other word on my emails now says  my name and SKYPE!

I go through the 59 steps to delete.....get to the end of the list....it is dark outside....I am tired......and I look?  How do I delete?  What do I push, pull, shake, rattle, roll or burn?  Where do I go to solve this unsolvable problem?

I put my head on the keyboard and weep softly, the salty tears (to match the language now murmuring from my parched lips) dripping onto the keys.....which is of course, very good for them, as it keeps them clean.

And I cannot keep my eyes open.......I am so sleepy.......

Can't keep my eyes open....and yet....Skype is still there!  Winking at me from the screen.....Omnipotent.......so sleepy....

Have a dream, wake up in a cold sweat.......


...........repeat - just like Skype!  ....Help!


            (The woman closes the paper.  Looks at the audience.  She is not smiling)



This message was found on a keyboard, the person who typed it........gone.  It is a warning to those on earth.....you may worry greatly about the creatures from outer space, from the Black Lagoon......from down the street....but the real danger......is lurking.......right in your home........be warned.....be very, very warned.


(She exits.  This monologue….is true.)

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day - for a whole year! 
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down. 
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!

Today is always someone's birthday - in this case, my dear friend, Diane (who is usually my first listener to these monologues- thank you so very much!)
Have a wonderful, happy birthday, and a great year to follow! 

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Mar. 29, 2014   Birthday Twins    Day # 45    Monologue Mania
                     

                        Birthday Twins (c)
                   (yet another for the Senior Channel)
                                                by
                                        Janet S. Tiger   
                                © 2014  all rights reserved
                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A man rolls onto the stage in a wheelchair.  He is not fast, but steady.  He faces the audience and takes a party whistle blower and blows it them- twice.)

Thank you for letting me come onto the Senior Channel show, Senior Moments, because, everyone, today is a special day........ today is my birthday!

            (He blows the blower again)

The big 0ne- oh.....oh!

That's right......100 years! 

            (He blows again)

When I was younger – in my fifties! – anyone who got to be a hundred was very special, they were on TV, and it was a big deal.  Now, nothing.  We are average – in fact, there was something in the paper that said….hold on, let me find it….

            (He searches in his lap, pulls out a newspaper, reads.)

Says right here that, ‘100…is the new….60!’

            (He laughs loudly)

Well, that’s a pile!

But not the point!  Today is special not just because it’s my birthday, but because I have a birthday twin…….and we are going to call him and tell him ‘Happy Birthday’ on television!

Here….

            (He now pulls a cell phone from his lap and pushes one button.)

They fixed it that all I have to do is push once…..and these days, that’s about all I can do…………if you know what I mean….  Hey, Lester, it’s me, Patrick, yeah, Happy Birthday!  I got everyone in TV-land here to sing to you…….

             (Holds the phone up, indicates the audience is to sing)

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to me, HappyBirthday dear Lester and Patrick, Happy Birthday to us!

Yeah, I’ll call you later, old buddy…..have a great day!

            (He closes the phone)

No, Lester is not the same age, just the same day!  That’s why we’re birthday twins –but he’s just a young pup…he’s only 98!

 Lester and I grew up on the same street – but we are blood brothers now.  I married his sister, may she rest in peace, and had four beautiful children with her, so, it may be a little backwards, but we are related by blood!

Now, my birthday used to be…. April first…that’s right April Fool’s Day.  Everyone always had fun with that- I was the ‘April Fool.’

But, yes, you heard me, it ‘used to be’ my birthday.  Betcha didn’t know you could switch, didja?

             (Takes a deep breath)

As the story goes, my father was killed in the Great War – World War I.  My mother remarried a musician – he was a little crazy, but he adopted me and was a generally decent stepfather.  He didn’t beat us, he was a nice guy overall, when he was around…..

After my mother died, he died right away, like he had to go visit her again….and I got to go through all the papers.  Now that…..as they say now on those silly TV shows…. is a fun job…(spits it out, loud)…NOT!

Especially since I found out that, not only was he not my father, which I already knew, but my mother was not my mother – she had adopted me, on April 1st…..which had become my birthday.

Let me tell you, it’s like being in a book, or a movie, where the main character wakes up and finds out that everything was a dream!

And the worst part was, I was sixty, and even if I had had the energy to go out and look for my real parents – which I didn’t – because finding this out, made 60 into the new 100.

I was stunned.  What else was a lie?

Could I trust anyone?

And then Lester came to visit and said to me – ‘doesn’t matter who your parents are, all that matters, is who YOU are.'

Lester never talked a lot, I was the one who did the talking, but when he spoke, it usually made sense.

So I stopped worrying about looking for the past.  Saved me a lot of time.

But I did do one thing – I petitioned the court to change my birthday – which I had always hated anyways.  People don’t know you can do that once – as long as there was an adoption, and there is no fraud involved.

            (Laughs, a little bitterly)

At least, no fraud on my part.

So……I switched the day legally….to March 30th……Lester’s birthday.  So we are not only blood brothers, but birthday twins.

            (He lifts his arms)

Happy Birthday to us, Lester!

            (He turns to the side)

At 100, I know my time is up!  And I don’t need any help from you young people!  I can do this myself!

    (He turns to wheel off….looks back)

Almost forgot…not a surprise at this age, just an excuse……this morning I got an amazing phone call.  You see, we married young, Lester’s sister and I, and had our first child when we were just 20….first grandchild at 41, great grandchild at 62….great-great grandchild at 81 – and last night, a new baby was born….my first…..

            (Counts on his fingers)

Great….great…..GREAT….that’s three greats!...grandchild……

Just after midnight……so now, we have another birthday twin, Lester…..

Happy Birthday to us all!

            (He rolls off)

And many more!

            (Not the end for awhile.)

 

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day - for a whole year! 
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down. 
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!
------------------------------------------------------
Mar. 29, 2014  Monologue Mania Day # 45    

                        Anniversary

                                     By Janet S. Tiger
                                 © 2014   all rights reserved
                                    tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A man comes out onstage.  He is older, dressed well, with a cane, but he barely uses it.  He is jaunty, yet reserved.  A gentleman.)

Yes, it is a lovely day for a walk, my friend.   You've only known me for a bit, so I doubt you know the answer to this next question.   Do you know what today is?  My anniversary.  A big one.  Fifty years.

Amazing how the time can fly.

I don't know why I ever married her - wondered from the first day.  My family warned me against her.  And my friends.  But I didn’t listen.

We didn't get along - she talked too much, laughed too loudly.

And then there were the children.  So fast, so many. 

I often wondered what my life would have been like if I'd not married her, married the girl before her.

So annoying.  So many things that got on my nerves. (Listens)  Why did we marry?  Hmm….that’s a good question.  Let me see if I can remember. It’s hard to recall after all these years……(Thinks)… She was pretty then, I suppose, and I….. was young and stupid.

(Listens)  Am I still married?

Let me finish.  I like to finish the way I like to finish.

We considered divorce.  It would have been a very good choice I think, had we done it.

But instead, something happened.  It was our 28th anniversary.

            (He is quiet)

She woke up that morning and went out of the house to go shopping.  She said since I didn't ever get her anything she liked, she was going to get it herself.

I remember it so well.....we had a big fight.  Perfect way to start a special day.

She loved to shop.  She spent far too much money on everything, but she wouldn't stop.

And so she left that morning, never to return.

            (Laughs)

Oh, no, I'm sorry that I gave the wrong impression.

She didn't run away.  She was never that sort.

She was in a terrible car accident.  Dead at the scene.

And I, I am still amazed after all these years how much I hate her.  They say love is a powerful emotion, but I think hate wins.  It has a power that is stunning

            (He turns to walk offstage)

Shall we go down this street today?  I think that's good....

            (He stops, listens)

But of course, I also hate that she left me.  

            (He looks up)

And I am still amazed that -after all these years---(he wipes his eyes)- how much I still.....miss her.

            (He exits.  The end.)






Janet S. Tiger   
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day - for a whole year! 
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down. 
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!

This is my anniversary - 28 years ago today I married Stan - and this story is ripped from the headlines of my life!  (I have another Anniversary monologue that is from someone else's life - will post that tomorrow)

Mar. 28, 2014  Monologue Mania Day # 44    
                                        Parental alert - one curse

                        Anniversary Story (c)
                                    By Janet S. Tiger
                                © 2014 all rights reserved
                                    tigerteam1@gmail.com            

(An older woman comes onstage, she is slightly drunk, and has on a silly                 party hat, carries a champagne glass.)

(Trying not to slur)  Okay, my turn for a toast.

            (She raises her glass)

Here’s to another 50 years! 

            (She drains the glass.)

Now, this anniversary is one I am certainly enjoying, but I am sure I will have little memory of it in the morning…..I blame the champagne!  But I have an anniversary that I want to remember for all you here – one most of you never knew we had….well, you knew we had anniversaries, but you didn’t know what happened…..thank goodness!

You see, one year -when the kids were younger, we had made plans for a babysitter to come  on our anniversary, which turned out to be a Friday night, so no work the next day and we could go out for dinner and a movie, a very rare event for us.  We’d saved to be able to eat at a reasonable restaurant and take inan early bird movie.  And enough for a babysitter.

Her name was Stephanie and she had been a family friend, until she hit college, when she had turned…..how to put this politely…..batshit flaky.

But we couldn’t use our regular sitter, so we called her, and Stephanie was fine..... the day before.  So she is supposed to come by 3:30 pm, giving us enough time for a leisurely dinner and movie. 

So, we get dressed up, which for me means a new pair of pantyhose.

Three-thirty, no Stephanie.  The kids reminded us she was often late.  So we wait.  So four o’clock comes and goes – by four thirty, we call, and there’s no answer.  At first, we got a bit worried, as she used to be….reliable.

Five o’clock comes and goes – has she been in an accident?  We are getting nervous, and call her parents.  They find her at a friend’s house….where she has already started drinking for the weekend.  So... no getting to us!  She was (now she slurs it) .... vvvvvvery sorrrrry!  But that didn’t help us!

We were thinking.... maybe we’d take the kids with us, when they came in, all three of them, the oldest was ….how old was he?

            (She squints, remembering with some tears)

He was only nine – and they had a homemade card they handed to us.

Inside was the contents of all their piggy banks – a few dollars and lots of coins.

(Like a young kid)  ‘Dear Mom and Dad, we know you were hoping to go out, so maybe this will help-‘

And the card read….’we can take care of ourselves, you have a good time, love……’

We were a little afraid to leave them – with Kyle only nine, although he was almost ten.  But we decided that if we just went out to eat -we had missed the early bird movie anyhow! – we could do it.

So we went – to a new restaurant we had never eaten at before.  And we called the house every hour – and we were only gone two hours!

But they were fine- and the house was still standing! - and we had a wonderful dinner……it was delicious, and we still eat there!  But the best thing was, we learned we could leave them alone together – safely! – for a few hours.

It was a wonderful anniversary – one of the best.  Because it did not look like it was going to be a good one.

Maybe..... bad times make the good times better……all I know is that ....out of 28 anniversaries......that is the anniversary I remember above them all.

            (She lifts her glass as she turns to walk out)

So…everyone….drink up!  I need a refill…..

            (Stops, turns back)

Now THEY have to worry about leaving us home alone!

            (She giggles as she exits.)
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Janet S. Tiger   
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day - for a whole year! 
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down. 
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!
------------------------------------------------------------------
May 27, 2014  Day # 43 Monologue Mania by Janet S. Tiger 

                           Burt’s Blend  (c)
                                   (from The Donut Diaries)
                                            by Janet S. Tiger 
                            © all rights reserved tigerteam1@gmail.com
              Note- The first scene from THE DONUT DIARIES was Day #41

(A man comes onstage.  At first, you think he is normal, but something is not right.  Is it the fact he is wearing a different shoe on each foot?  Nope, that’s the other crazy guy who goes by every so often.  Maybe it’s that – when you pay attention and look closely - that his eyes are a little ….off.  He also is looking around the Donut Shop and picking up things off the ground and putting them in his pocket.  He then goes over to a table and takes the items from his pocket, laying them on the table.  He chooses one- inspects it closely - and puts it into his mouth - it's a cigarette butt- then takes a lighter and snaps to get it lit.)

(Deep breath)  Aaaah!  Free smokes!  This is the life!

            (He lets out a big puff of smoke, slowly, enjoying every minute.  Turns to                 listen to someone)

Hey, lighten up!  I’m 20 feet from you!  You don’t have to smell this! 

            (He blows the smoke in their direction.  Listens)

Call the cops!  I don't care!  I’ll be done before they get here!

            (He takes another deep breath of the cigarette)

That is the advantage of my new idea – I’m gonna have my own company, there's like, millions of these all over the place...everywhere I go.......and I’ll be rich!  I’m gonna combine all these….

            (He indicates the cigarette butts on the table, thinks)

To make a new cigarette…….and it’ll be free!

            (Thinks for a minute)

If it’s free......how can I get rich?

            (Thinks again, pacing as he does, face lights up)

I got it!   I'm cleaning up the planet - they can give me donations!  Whoa.....they can’t tax a gift, right?

            (He does a victory dance)

What an idea!  I... am...a....genius!

            (He stops his self-accolation to dance and then think a bit)

And I got the name!  It’s a perfect name!  And it has my name in it!

            (Puffs up his chest)

Burt’s Sidewalk Blend!

            (Takes the last suck of the cigarette and stubs it out under his foot.  Stops             in this position, thinking hard.  He starts to walk off, singing)

Burt’s Sidewalk Blend……Burt’s Sidewalk Blend……

            (Thinks)

When you gotta have the best, forget about the rest!

Burt’s Sidewalk Blend……

            (He looks at the world, smiling broadly)

And they said I’d never amount to anything!

            (He exits, still humming, picking up more of his product as he goes.)

             End of scene
---------------------------
Where this will come in the play THE DONUT DIARIES I'm not sure, but it will not be the first time we see Burt - he will have been seen before, just walking through talking to himself.  Picking up things off the ground, nodding at people, but not talking more than perfunctory things like 'hello',  'gbye'  - until now.


www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day - for a whole year! 
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
                                  For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mar. 26, 2014  Day #42

                     Annie’s Story
                    (Solitary- Scene 5) (c)
                                    by Janet S. Tiger 
                            (c) 2014  all rights reserved                                                                                 tigerteam1@gmail.com

This is actually a scene with two people, not really a monologue, so I am only posting the monologue from the very end of the scene.   This is part of Solitary - for those who have not read the early pieces, I recommend doing so - even though each monologue is designed to stand on its own.  Solitary the one-act consists of, so far, Day # 11, Day #14, Day #16, Day # 18- if you want to see them all together, as a one-act, click here

The scene begins like this-

(The set is bare except for two chairs and a table.  The lighting is harsh, institutional.  Lights up on Annie, who is a thinnish woman in her twenties, but looks like she's been through much more.  She is nervous.  We hear a door clanking open, and JJ walks in, wearing the prison uniform.  They look at each other awkwardly.)

Later in scene -

(Annie looks at him with pure venom - if she could slap him, she would, but in this setting she can't, so instead, she just stands up as tall as she can.)

(Furious, but as controlled as she can be) How did I figure out to ask you this?  How did I learn to be so.....so devious? (With deep contempt) I learned.... from you,  JJ, and you were a helluva teacher!

Who told me I couldn't get pregnant the first time we did it?  I seem to remember that was you!  That you didn't have a rubber because it was so sudden!  You were so moved  by my ...beauty!  And when we were talking about maybe an abortion was a good idea, because we so young, you must’ve read the whole Bible to me on that one!.....(Quieter, madder)  And you said that you'd take care of me, and the baby.....and we'd never have to worry, that every day would be like Canobie Park!  Like this damned picture we took!  Remember?

(She reaches into her pocket and takes out a small photo, shows it to him, then rips it up and drops it on the floor. She is pointed now, very on target.)

You remember how you got me to sleep with your Eddie?  Your…pal….Eddie.  You told me that Eddie was like a brother to you and in the (almost spits out the words).. the Bible, husbands shared their wives with their brothers...... you even showed me a passage that ...proved this!

And I was too stoned.....too stupid....(almost crying) … too much in love with you for some unknown reason!  And so I did it.......and when you convinced me to .....(hard for her to say) go with those other guys to get money for the smoke, and the meth.......you had a Bible quote for that, too.  (Quotes)  Corinthians.'For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does......'’  Is it any wonder I don't go to church anymore?

But you knew that Bible pretty well, didn't you?  You figured out that people gave more money when you were panhandling when you could tell them why they should give you money....from Jesus' own lips.  Are you ashamed of that?  Are you proud of that?  That's what you taught me, Jimmy, that's how you taught me!  (cont.)

(cont.) And now you're upset I was too good a student!  (Laughs)  That's a good joke!  And now you sit in your cell, reading your (contemptuous)...your Bible and telling the world how you have changed...well, ask me if I believe you anymore......

Go ahead, ask......

(Jimmy is silent, very ashamed)

I didn't think so....

So, I don't think I'm asking that much from you......I mean, you do understand how this is gonna work, right?  Your mother takes Jody.....for good, and I...I put through the divorce papers.....finally....and I will sign the official papers so that the baby I had with Connor, and this new baby inside of me from.....Luke.....they will no longer be considered yours.......and you will not have three mouths to send money for when you get out of here in God knows what year!

Got it?  Did you learn me good?  Isn't that in the Bible, too? Remember this one?  (Quotes)  Lamentations 3:27 - '[It is] good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.'

I think we both have a lot of yoke - you could say, 'the yokes on us' - right?  Is that funny, or what?

            (Jimmy stands there, his head is down, he is trying not to cry)

Annie - (Quiet)  Do we have a deal?

            (He nods.)

Annie-  Good choice.  Not that you had any

            (She turns away, cold.  There is a sound, a muffled voice.)

Annie-  Time's up.  That's good, now I get a cigarette.

            (She doesn't look at him.)

It's been a real treat seeing you, Jimmy.  Take care.

            (She exits without looking back.  Jimmy goes to the torn pieces on the ground and picks   them up, holds them.  Lights down.  End of scene.)


www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania - one new free monologue a day - for a whole year! If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please scroll down for the previous days or go to www.monologuestore.com and click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down. To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, click here. For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here.
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Mar. 25, 2014 Death Clusters(Intro to the Donut Diaries) Day # 41  Monologue Mania

                             Death Clusters (c)
                               (Intro to The Donut Diaries)
                                      by Janet S. Tiger 
                               (c) 2013 all rights reserved
                                   tigerteam1@gmail.com

    (A person comes onstage- she or he is like a pixie, smiling, bouncy)

Well hi there, I am so happy to be able to come here!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Just wanted you to realize that, just like almond clusters, death comes in clusters.....like here at the Donut Shop.....

Today, one of the regulars will not be coming in for his regular twisted donut...this was Kim, whose last name no one could pronounce... .he leaves a brother and mother far away in Cambodia......He died of a heart attack....it was fast......

Last week, Franny keeled over into her coffee, Franny who liked to giggle and read the comics..... she had an embolism, also fast....

Now, Robert had a bad stroke two weeks ago, but he is hanging on...will he be the third nut in the cluster?

            (Smiles)

Why do you look so surprised.......everyone knows death comes in threes.....like the nuts in an almond cluster!

            (Leans over, conspiratorial)

For death has its very own flavor....it can be bitter, or terribly hot.......in some cases, sweet.....

I hear you laugh, but think about it - the folks who come here, they tell the same stories every day, every week, all through the years.

And that's why I am a visitor – never invited or welcome, of course, but always a possible visitor to this Donut Haven.....to bring (relishes the task and the explaining).... clusters of death so that all the people have something new to talk about......now, with these last two, there will be much to discuss.....the details of the people....they are the nuts!....where they came from, how long they came to eat donuts here...more important.....what donuts they ate!..then the sugar...the good stories....the background that all will chew on for weeks.......but it will covered with that (enjoys the taste)...deeelicious chocolate......the gossip that dribbles over the entire history, the questions that will never be answered, the unproven rumors.......the salacious half-truths......(cont.)

And these will be masticated and digested for years... stuck between the teeth…or in some cases, the dentures!......held together by the commonality of all the denizens of this place - the question of....... who will be the third nut in the cluster?  For there are always three......you know it, they know it.......

            (Points to the people sitting at the tables)

Who will be next?

Will it be crazy Robert?  Or will he recover from his stroke?  Or lucky Laura, who just won the lottery - all right, only a thousand dollars, but luck is luck!  Will her luck run out first, like the woman who won a million at the casino, then was killed in a crash on the way home?  Or will it be........

            (A finger is pointed into the audience.)

Or will it be…….You?

            (The pixie giggles and runs off.)

The end of the intro to scene 1 of The Donut Diaries





Janet S. Tiger   
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day
                                                               - for a whole year! 
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
                                  For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
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Mar. 23, 2014  Day #39 Monologue Mania

                        Baby Moons (c)
                                    by Janet S. Tiger 
                              (c) 2014 all rights reserved
                                  tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A man is seen onstage, he looks like he's in his forties, but it could be fifties, hard to tell.  He looks up at the sky.)

Clear night tonight.  The moon is kinda small….like a baby moon, only that means something else, you know.  (Laughs)  You never heard of baby moons?  I’ll tell you….there’s a few minutes left to our break.

            (He is quiet, takes out a cigarette and lights it slowly,  He takes a deep                 breath.)

My father used to say that no story should last longer than it takes to smoke a cigarette.  And then he would pause, and add - 'and not one of those filter things, a real cigarette.'

I've been thinking about my father recently, since I got the news.  Maybe because I just bought a new car.  Funny how that goes together, but that's what the story is about.

Y'see, when I bought the car, and this is my first new car in my life, first time I could afford a new car....I was hoping I could take my father for a ride in it, but, I guess not now.

The salesman asked me if I wanted special hubcaps....and I just laughed.  I mean, I can afford them, but after what I know about hubcaps and what I used to do with them, I'd never buy any fancy ones.

            (Thinks, takes a deep breath of the cigarette and blows out the smoke                 slowly.)

Baby moons.

That's what we called them back then.  Baby moons. 

It was the easiest money in the world.

I grew up in Vegas, and people came from all over, driving in their fancy cars.  All

you needed was a screwdriver to pop off their fancy hubcaps....their… baby moons.

You needed a couple a bucks for some beer, to go with some girl.....you grab your buddies, one watches in each direction.....a whistle is the warning that someone is coming....

            (He whistles for an example)

I was fast with that slot, baby.....

            (He kneels quickly, uses the cigarette to show how fast you can pop off a             cap)

You have a paper bag with you, big enough for all four......

            (He illustrates in pantomime)

And you're done - all four, less than 60 seconds - faster if the car was small!

            (Laughs, remembering)

We always picked out-of-town plates….those people never bothered to report anything to the police – they were having too much fun!

(Remembering)  And there was a guy who would give us five bucks for all four - easy money.  I used to think he had the hard part- he had to find someone to pay five bucks each......we had it made.  Four guys, one buck each, and the extra went to the guy who popped, usually me, cause I was the fastest.

Were we ever caught?

I'd like to say, yes, because that would have been fair...but we weren't.

Not once.

Oh, a couple of times it was close, but we'd just leave the bag behind, and walk away.  That was my idea.

            (Smokes, thinks)

My Dad bought a new car.  Brand new.  His first ever.  A 1968 Chevy wagon, so all of us kids and the dog could fit in it.

And he spent the extra few bucks to get the fancy caps- it was his gift to himself, he didn't buy a Mustang, but he could get nice caps......

I didn't know he'd bought a new car - it was a surprise.  And so when he came home looking like someone had shot the dog, I didn't know what happened...until I saw the car......

It was nice, new, you know......all shiny, and nice smelling....and it had no hubcaps.  he told everyone some dumb kids must have stolen them, and that one day they’d be caught, and go to prison…..and they should rot in hell.......

He didn't know he was talkin about me and my friends.....(means a lot)...but I never took another baby moon after that.

I just couldn't anymore.....

You see, I didn't want to rot in hell.

            (He finishes the cigarette, taking a long last breath)

Bad habit, cigarettes....I got that in Vegas, too.   Wish I could stop or I probably will rot....in some hospital.

Well, ya know what they say..everything happens for a reason….…

            (He turns to go, listens to the question, surprised)

Nah, I wasn’t the one who stole my Dad’s caps!…..I told ya, never touched cars like that.  Just the fancy ones......the visitors….

Gotta get back to work….see ya tomorrow……

            (He takes the cigarette and crushes it under his heel, turns to leave, looks             back.)

(Slow)  …. it coulda been me though….I’m just glad it wasn’t…..

            (He walks off slowly.)

  The end.



Janet S. Tiger   
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day
                                                               - for a whole year! 
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.  
                                  For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
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Mar. 22, 2014 Day #38  Undependable Monologue Mania 

                    Undependable
                   by Janet S. Tiger  (c) 2014 all rights reserved
                             tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A woman of indeterminate age comes onstage.  Her age is indeterminate because she is a hillbilly, and she is dressed as such, and she is carrying a big box which she sets on the floor.)

Howdy!   I am here to sell you something and you done know it, too!  That's a because this a here is one of those(says it carefully)  in- fo-mer-cials, and I am gonna sell you my homemade parfume, because lemme tell you- YOU need it!

First, I gotta do like those other folks do -  ask you questions!

Is YOUR husband dependable?

Does he go to work even when he is sick?

Can you time an egg when he brushes his teeth?

Every weekend does he get up and go into his workshop and fiddle and fix somethin?

When he's not at work, do you know where he is every single minute of the day?

And are you ready to scream because of this?

Well, I'll betcha you are - I know because I have friends and I have listened to womenfolk for years and years - women just hate a man who is too dependable!

So I have created a parfum that will give you what you want!

Looka here!

            (She opens the large box and removes a second box, then a third box, and             finally a small, pretty box - she holds this up)

This here is my new, entirely original parfume - and it is called, appropriately enough - Undependable!

Why would you like this?

Because it will help you with your husband!

I made it myself!

If you are watchin this TV carefully, in one corner you will see a video, made by my daughter with her fancy phone, of me cookin up the very first batch of Undependable!

OOH, did you see the part where it splashes up and hits me in the face!  That was a magic moment - that's when I knew I got it right!

What is the secret ingredient?

No secrets!  But first, let me tell you about my husband - who is not dependable at all!

I suspected this at my weddin when he tried to make a date with my cousin Sue Ann from Toupelo. 

Then, after  I married him, my momma warned me - she said (imitates her momma) ‘The only thing you will be able to depend on from him -is grief.’

My daddy gave me no advice because he run off when I was ten, but that's another story.....

Anyhow, my man used to be very good-lookin’ and that love was too much up in me to listen to any advice, so we got hitched and, it turned out, lo and behold… my momma was right!  He was dependably UNDEPENDABLE.   Even now, I may never know where he is exactly, but I am sure  it has be one of several things - out runnin around with other women,....or gamblin- or sometimes findin somethin that ain't lost yet..... all of which, to his credit,  you can always depend on him to promise… never to do again!

So....gettin back to my secret ingredient.....are you ready... and no, for those of you with evil minds, the secret ingredient is not him….. I did not boil him in the solution!  I am a Christian woman!  ….And, I had no idea where he was.....so I took all his clothing, some of which still had lipstick from other women on it!.... and smelled like booze and fried chicken from Evan’s Bar and Grill…… look at the insert here- don't my girl do good video work?- and boiled up that mess for two days! 

            (She opens the final box, removes a spray bottle)

And then I put it into these special parfume bottles .......

            (She sprays it, and sniffs deeply, then gags)

And it smells!  I mean awful honey!

Why would you buy this?  Because it smells just like…… undependable!

And if you want to appreciate your old borin-always-know-where-he-is husband of yours.....you just take a whiff of this and you will remember what 'Undependable' smells like!

The price is on the screen - and the phone number to call for your special order!

You say - (imitates classy voice)  'How can you charge so much for such an odoriferous  perfume?'

(Back to hereself)  Because it's a hellofa lot cheaper than a divorce, my darlins!

So get yourself onto that phone right now and order you some of my best batch of Undependable!  Direct from his clothing!  But don't worry, the next batch will have his shoes, so it will be just as bad!

So, order now - with the profits from this idea, I plan to go to Nashville and see where Elvis walked, so thank you for helpin me get to my dream!

            (She gives a big smile, reaches in a pocket and takes out a paper)

I think 'membered it all, but lemme check....oh yeah, one last thing....

Here's my personal guarantee- if you do not start appreciatin' your old, stick-in-the-mud hubby within just a few minutes of whiffin' my concoction....

I will loan you my hubby for one whole week!  No extra charge!

            (She throws up her hands and turns to go.)

You want 'im, you got 'm!

            (As she exits, we hear her singing softly, to the tune of Unforgettable -                 Undependable......  The end)





Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8





Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8