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May 24, 2014 Day #101 by Janet S. Tiger Out of the (Stuffed) Closet Monologue Mania
Out of the (Stuffed) Closet
(for the Senior Channel)
by Janet S. Tiger
c) May 24, 2014 all rights reserved
(A woman storms onto the stage, she is motivated, and it shows)
(Very loud) Hello to everyone in Senior Channel land! I am so happy to be here today for my big announcement!
Is everyone ready?
(She waves her hands at the crowd, getting them to respond.)
I am here to come out of the closet……as a hoarder.
(Points at someone in the audience)
That’s HOARDER, you idiot! Get your mind out of the gutter!
I am a closet stuffer……and everywhere else, too, and, contrary to popular belief, I do not want to stop! I am not ashamed or embarrassed or upset! I love to hoard! If I was rich, you would call me a …COLLECTOR…if I was a former President, you would call it a MUSEUM! But since I am merely one of the unsung middle-class, I am looked down upon, laughed at….ridiculed. It is even acceptable to bully me! So here’s what I have to say to all of you…….(let’s out a mouth sound known as the raspberry)
There – I do not want to be helped or organized! Do you hear me? No 12 step program, no Hoarders Anonymous! I want to be recognized for what I am – the fuel that keeps our economy going strong!
You heard me! I buy stuff, but I also get lots of stuff for free! And I buy things at garage sales, and get things when neighbors are moving…..and when I keep it, I enable many people to surviv! How? Because when I can’t find something, I buy more of it! The grocer is happy, the clothes stores are ecstatic, and I….I like keeping things!
So what are you going to do to me? Put me in jail? I pay taxes – on everything! Everything I buy, save, own and store – and now that my husband insisted I clear out the house, I support a local storage center! I only have two units now, but that could change with the next big round of sales at the thrift shop – so don’t you dare judge me! Your job probably depends on folks just like me, so quitcher bitchin and let me keep my stuff. It’s my stuff, and since it’s still kind of a free country, I have the right to have as much as I want!
(Takes a deep breath.)
And there’s one thing I will never give up – those baby clothes! I wrapped em nice and one day, when my kids have kids, those clothes will go to those babies. Because…..there was one thing I couldn’t hang onto – the first baby. I mean, he was doing fine, but then two weeks before he was due, at the doctor’s appointment, no heartbeat.
(Thinks back, almost seeing the items
We had a crib and all the clothes......
(She reaches out to touch the items)
..............and when I touch those things, even for a minute when I'm putting something else into the closet....it brings back the memories...(in awe) ....it's like my own personal time machine! Yes, we had the crib, and the clothing......but no baby to bring home. You never forget some days.
(She stands straighter)
So if I want to hold onto all that stuff, that’s my choice, not yours. I may have had no choice with the baby, but I choose to hold on……to what I can hold onto……. And now I have a song, it’s even been on the radio…..I call it....The Theme of the Hoarder!
(She holds her arms out wide, now sings, very offkey)
(She puts her arms around herself, singing, and dances offstage. The end.)
Note for San Diego based actors- On June 6th, there will be a meeting at Scripteasers, the longest running new-play reading group in the country (maybe the world!) of selected monologues from this first 100+. To see blurbs on all the monologues, http://www.monologuestore.com/monologue-mania-blurbs.html For more info Scripteasers.org, and to read one of these monologues that night, please contact – email@example.com
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8