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Monologue Mania Day #117 by Janet S. Tiger God's Bully Pulpit (c) June 9, 2014
God's Bully Pulpit
(A man comes onstage - he looks like a minister, and has the collar to back him up. He is calm and pleasant.)
Hello, my flock.
I am here to remind everyone about the rule that there will be no tweeting, or cell phone use, or texting during my sermon.
Because, first, it is not polite, and second, I know everyone here wants to be on God's good side, so please close your electronic items ...(shouts) NOW.
It has come to my attention that we are in the middle of a serious crisis in our beloved community here in this church.
And no, we are not talking about the fact that expenses are rising and there is no sign of any raise for your clergy....me.
No, I want to talk about bullying for a moment.
I am not going to analyze why some people bully others. All I want to say is....Bullying is not nice. Jesus was bullied, and everyone knows that was not a nice way to treat the Lord.
It has come to my attention that there is bullying going on in our lovely church. Not in the Sunday School, thank God! And not in the Youth or Senior groups, either. No, the bullying is happening at a frightening level on .....the board.
Adults - not children, not teenager, not recent high school graduates mind you, but full-grown, usually married with children, theoretical adults. I say theoretical because there is often no proof they are actually adults.
There have been rumors of pushing, shoving, hair-pulling and I think the worst....food being wasted in ridiculous food fights.
(Smiling and unctuous)
So I am giving you this very polite warning, because I know that none of you wants to be a bad example to your children and community. Bullying is unacceptable to God, and, when pushed far enough, the legal system is not too crazy about it either. So......
(His whole face changes and he jumps up and down)
(Loud and very angry) STOP IT NOW! AND I MEAN THIS MINUTE!
OR ELSE GOD HIMSELF IS COMING TO GET YOU AND MAKE YOU STOP THIS SILLINESS SO WE CAN GET ON WITH OUR IMPORTANT VOTE SO WE CAN GET A NEW BUILDING AND I CAN FINALLY HAVE A DRESSING ROOM THAT IS NOT IN A TOILET!
Thank you - I thank you.....and God thanks you!
(He turns to leave, looks back)
(Exits singing Amazing Grace)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8