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Monologue Mania Day #120 by Janet S. Tiger c) June 12, 2014
Returns of the Day
by Janet S. Tiger
(c) June 12, 2014 all rights reserved
(A woman of indeterminate age comes onstage. She is dressed in an indeterminate style. The only determining factor is that she seems to be a bit irritated.)
I have been working at Finch's Sundries for over 23 years. I love working there. Or perhaps I need to say ....loved, if this employment conference does not go well.
(Her chin starts to quiver and she looks like she is about to cry.)
Okay, I'll just stick to the story.
They started me in sales. I hated sales. Hated, hated, hated, hated! I hated trying to get people to buy things they didn't need. To convince them to spend money on something they didn't really want. To (says it with disgust)...to push them into an action that might cause them to run up their credit cards further, which in turn would cause them to go bankrupt, and then maybe out on the street! No, I just hated sales.
So, after three days in the sales department, I begged them to find something else, and Mrs. Finch, she was very nice, and still alive back then, she suggested I try the Returns Department.
(Happy) What a difference! I just was made for Returns! I could help people give back the items they hated, or had made a bad choice on the color, or had been given for Christmas.....I just LOVED the Returns Department!
(Opens her purse and brings out a paper)
I even had a little sign made, that I put out when I was working.....
(Holds up the sign)
Many Happy Returns!
That just about summed it up for me!
Twenty-three years of helping people, and then.....
(Her face darkens)
Last Sunday....he came in.
I will never forget him.
He had an item that was from another store.
Now, I do not mind returning items sold at Finch's/
I even have a brand new computer with EVERY SINGLE ITEM we have ever sold! It is truly amazing!
But even before I checked with my trusty computer, I knew the item was from another store.
Finch's does not carry and has never carried items related to automobiles. Mr. and Mrs. Finch were good friends with the A-1 Auto Supply owner, Thomas Duddly, and they had agreed never to carry automobile items, and he would never carry sundries at his sales counter, like candy and magazines.
So when...he...came in...
Mr. Fitzwilliams, for the record, when he came in with a battery charger that Mrs. Fitzwilliams had given him for his birthday, I told him that he could not return it here, as we had never sold them.
(Earnest) Please understand! I love to help people with returns!
(She waves the sign)
Many Happy Returns! I wanted to help him, he seemed like a nice man, a little nervous at first, but nice, and then he said, 'My wife told me she bought it here'
And I told him, 'Perhaps she was mistaken.' Which is another way of saying maybe she forgot.
'My wife is never mistaken'
'But we have never sold these, sir!' I always say sir and madam, it is much more professional.
I even tried to show him the computer, but he was getting very angry.
I suggested his wife come to return the item, with her receipt, and that made him even angrier.
But sir, perhaps she made a mistake when she told you.....
He was adamant and starting to get very nasty. He even shouted at me. (Shouts) 'My wife never makes mistakes!'
Well then maybe she just lied!
I know it was an impolite thing to do, but he was being so mean and irrational, it just slipped out, and that's what caused the whole problem, I believe.
'Are you saying my wife is a liar?'
I was horrified. Oh, no, sir, that isn't what I meant, maybe she got it from a garage sale, or a friend......
'Are you saying my wife is having an affair with the big stupid lummox who works at the A-1 Auto Supply counter? And that he gave her this battery charger after they had one of their afternoon visits in his office? With the loudspeaker button pressed on?'
And that's when I said.......'yes, everyone in town knows about it.....if you bought her a nice present once in awhile here at Finch's maybe she wouldn't be doing what she's doing......'
And that's when he took the battery charger and threw it against the wall.
(Thinks) I don't believe any guarantee covers that.
Please, I want to stay in this store! I am truly sorry I lost my temper and said those things.
(Happy) Really? Oh, thank you!
(Listens, worried, then stunned)
He did? He wrote a letter of recommendation? Because of what?
Because he hadn't wanted to face the truth, but I made him do it, and he was mad, but happy.
Well, this has been an amazing day! Thank you for letting me stay!
(She gets up, starts to exit, looks back)
So, I can return to the Returns Department?
(Giggles and leaves. The end.)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8