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Monologue Mania Day #121 by Janet S. Tiger The Worst Day of My Life (c) June 13, 2014
The Worst Day of My Life
or - Every Day is Friday the 13th
by Janet S. Tiger
(c) June 12, 2014 all rights reserved
(Man comes out onstage - he is older, well, ok, he's pretty old. He has a cane and he is furious.)
This is the worst day of my life! You heard me, the absolute worst day ever.
And the worst day before that was yesterday. You heard me, yesterday. Each day my life gets worse -it's like I am getting older and worse and...I hear you laughing! Stop that! Immediately! I will not put up with disrepect!
If I was ten years younger, (thinks) well, maybe 20 years, ok- if I was 35! I would come out there and make you respect me!
(Bangs his cane and waves it at the crowd.)
Amazing, I feel like crap and now I have to put up with your laughing at me!
It never ends!
They used to say pneumonia was the old man's friend.
Well, I guess that's a load of crap, too.
You see, pneumonia used to get you sick, and you'd just slide away into death.
Just like most of my other 'friends' who are dead or senile or in wheelchairs - pneumonia is no friend of mine anymore.
I had penumonia 4 years ago - it was a nightmare. But I pulled through! I survived. But it left with me with side effects the doctors can't figure out! I'm cold all the time, yet inside, my back heats up like a damn furnace! You can't feel it when you touch me - my temperature is normal!
I've had every damn test known to man - EKG, MRI, SHIT - that one stands for 'So He's Into '
Think I made that up - I wish I did. One day, they were hooking me up to a strange device, and I heard the tech say - 'this guy is circling the drain'
So I piped up - 'Then stop peeing on me!'
(Laughs) That shut him up.
Nothing - they can't find anything wrong with me - (loud) and yet I feel like CRAP!
I wake up every morning and call my daughter, who takes me to the doctors appointments - she is amazingly optimistic about everything. I hate that. It drives me crazy. She always asks - (Mimics) 'How are you?'
How am I? (Loud) I feel like crap!
But I say to her that I'm not sure. I woke, and I felt fine - but you see, that's really an illusion. In a couple of hours, that feeling wears off, and...I feel like....-say it with me - CRAP!
And the amazing thing is, today is Friday the 13th - and it is my worst day ever - so it is as if I am living on Friday the 13th EVERY DAY!
(He stops now, takes a deep breath and leans heavily on his cane.)
But my dear friends - this is one thing I ask, if I choose to make this not only the worst day of my life.....but ...also my last.....please let me have my way.
I know this is difficult to hear, and I am not quite ready, but if I get there....please respect my wishes.
(He turns to walk off, stops, looks back)
Crap. How can I end my life on the worst day! It is just too damn depressing! Maybe I will try just one more doctor......
(He waves his cane and exits, hopefully not the end!)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8