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Monologue Mania Day #128 by Janet S. Tiger How to Annoy a Woman (c) June 20, 2014
How To Annoy a Woman
by Janet S. Tiger
(c) June 20, 2014 all rights reserved
(Man comes onstage. He is not bad-looking, not too badly dressed. He is a little nervous, twisting his hands as he starts to speak.)
I, uh, I'm a little nervous about this, because I don't usually talk in front of people. I work with my hands, and, um, well, I guess I just have to start. (Clears his throat loudly, takes a deep breath)
Ladies, you probably already know all this, and men, you do, too, but, I just want to let you know some things to do that can annoy and irritate women.
(Another deep breath, exhales loudly) Whew, that's not so hard. (Laughs a little) You see, the first thing you do, is get born! That starts 'em off with years of things to complain about. And, if truth be told, it sure doesn’t take much to irritate a woman, because, God knows, women LOVE to complain.
(Smirks) That's why you wanna know how to give 'em things to complain about, so they're in an almost constant state of annoyance with you. Why? (Smiles) Because after you fight, which is always the outcome of these annoyances….. after you fight, you kiss and make up!
There, I've told the secret. I guess we all know how much fun the making up is, but if you work it just right, women can never be sure that all of this annoyance is on purpose! I mean, they may suspect, but hey, the secret is practice.
Once they love you for, God knows what reasons, you can start laying the groundwork for a life of irritation. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talkin' about cheatin' on the missus, no, that's just not right. I'm talkin' about little things...things that if you live with another guy, I mean a roommate, well, guys never notice stuff like putting away the milk, or leaving dishes out. They don't care.
But a woman. (Shudders) You have to find that special spot that makes her quiver with annoyance. Every woman is different, but there is a way to tell. Try it. Leave out a glass on the table after you drunk from it. If she puts it in the sink and warshes it, no comment, then that's not the spot. But if she glares at you, or makes a comment, then you know you hit pay dirt.
Next time, leave out a glass, a plate and some silverware. Oh! That'll get her goin'! She will probably make a remark to start. That's when it's all new, and she's still bein' polite to you. She'll say somethin' like, (imitates woman's voice) 'Oh, sweetie, could you please not leave out dirty dishes? We don't want to get bugs, do we?'
And she'll clear and warsh 'em, and you have to let it escalate - leave em out day after day. Resist the urge to help her, because then you have to start all over again! After a few days, they either start to sulk or they start the yellin'- I personally prefer the yelling, it's loud and faster! But the sulk really makes that passion percolate, like a good stew.....sometimes for days and even weeks....and then...when it blows....it is magnificent!
They start to screamin' - this is often around that very difficult time of the month for ladies, so be careful if she has a mean streak in her and you own guns. And that screamin' can be bad, let me warn you - you may need plugs for your ears!
(Imitates yelling woman) 'Why don't you put the damn dishes in the sink! I musta' told you a million times! How hard is it to put them in the SINK!'
(Back to himself) Well of course it ain't hard, if it was hard, they wouldn't get so mad! In order to make this work, you start to yellin' back at 'em -
(Loud man) I can't remember everything! I get tired with all your rules!
(Calmer, instructive) But the real trick is gettin' them to cry about it. Then you get to put your arm around 'em and hold em, but - now listen closely fellers - do not try anything then, you have to yell one more time and storm out.....
(Yelling man) I hate when you cry! You think I'm gonna do everything you tell me to do, well, you ain't my mother!
(Himself) And then you storm out in a big huff.
(Deep breath) I don't know about you, but that cryin' really gets to me. Anyhow, when you storm out, you go to get her some nice flowers, and maybe chocolate. They all like chocolate - even when they say they don't.
And when you come back, you get this look on your face.....(illustrates) ...they call it a sheepish look, but I never seen no sheep look like this... (again the look) ...and you hafta tell them you're sorry. Now one time is enough, because otherwise they start to expect you to say that, and that is just too much for any man! but you do have to tell 'em you love 'em and, then, at that point, they will usually smile and hug you and you can laugh about all the silly things you said to each other. (He thinks about the making up, smiles)
A final word of warning - don't keep the fight going, just do the making up! Cause when you get back into the fight, it can get very ugly. (Shudders) Sleep on the couch ugly, if you know what I mean.
There, that's the pattern -(counts in on his hands) annoy a little, then annoy some more, build into a fight, a big fight, yellin', screamin', get her to cry, make some very mean comment and then storm out, come back with flowers, candy, a one-time 'I'm sorry' and you get to fun makin' up!
As you get good at this, you can add many variations, like what to annoy them with - look for clues from what they tell you, this is otherwise known as the complaining. If she complains about how you don't mow the lawn, then wait a little more each time before you do it. And then after the fight, do a real good job mowin'. If she complains about you forgettin' to take down the Christmas lights, leave 'em up until June! I once got ten great fights - and make-ups- from a single string of flashing lights! It was fantastic!
I don't really have to tell you what annoys them, they are quit to let you know. Toilet seats, towels on the floor, toothpaste caps, puttin' on a new roll of paper when it runs out - why the bathroom can provide years and years of wonderful altercations! In the kitchen, the dishwasher is a wonderful source of annoyance, but this is only a distant second to the (says it as if was a delicious steak) .....garbage....ooh how they love the garbage! How you take it out, wrong, no matter how you do it! Tie is up this way, not that way - forget to put in the new bag, let somethin' fall on the floor, why you can't lose with garbage! It is a veritable gold mine of opportunity for annoyin' your woman!
And one of the best parts - even if you go for weeks and months doin' it right, all you have to do for a little fun, is do somethin' wrong agin just one time and (smacks his hands together) BAM! Are you in the doghouse! Oh, yeah! But here's the thing, gentlemen, no matter how a woman complains, you know how they love their dogs!
(He now responds to a sound in the back of the audience.)
Of course, there is a little something else I have to tell you. You really shouldn't go out of your way to annoy your woman.
It's really not a good idea. Especially if she finds out. (Deep sigh) That's kind of what happened to me. I was braggin to a buddy on the phone and, well, you know how they can hear everything.....she heard me and we had a REALLY big fight.
I musta bought out that entire See's candy shop, and still....no makin' up for a long time...if you know what I mean.
So, she had me tell this as a wa (quickly) a very small way...of makin' amends. Because, I was.......(it's as if his tongue is being twisted) I was wrong.
That woman laughin’ in the back is my wife, so she has done this to help other couples not go through the pain we have.
There, honey, is this good? I'll see you outside....
There, (takes a deep sigh) now you know it all. (Brightens up) It has been hard,...very hard....if you know what I mean.... but I am really lookin' forward to making up!
(He starts to exit, looks and sees she's gone,) There is one very important thing to remember if you ever try my plan.......
(Leans forward to emphasize) Don't get caught!
(He smiles and exits. The end.)
Janet S. Tiger 858- 736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8