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We Will Fight.....
(for the Senior Channel)
by Janet S. Tiger
(c) June 25, 2014 all rights reserved
(A woman of indeterminate age but very definite British connection storms on - she is incredibly filled with vigor. She is...Winnie. She has a substantial British accent - not Cockney, not the Queen, somewhere in between)
Oh, welcome to all you in Senior Channel land. I am here to help everyone watching! I am Winifred Elizabeth Allenhall and I am a person who is opposed to clutter in every way possible! I hate clutter, and with my help, I will enable all who watch and heed my sensible words to rid yourselves of clutter ...forever!
I have hated the excess of items since I was a small child, even discarding or donating birthday gifts before using them if I did not like them. My parents were horrified, as they were reknowned accumulators of massive quantities of clutter, also known as antique collectors. But I told them, even at an early age....why I want to waste my precious time and energy finding a place to store something....I do not want to play with? Today, I ask you that very same question!
Do you have clutter in your life? If you are watching this show, I know you do, because you are bound to watch other channels that have ridiculous commercials that clutter your brain! And I know you want to change, and that is my purpose in life!
(She takes out an enormous magnifying glass)
In just a few moments, we are going to put your life under a magnifying glass! We are going to find some clutter and eradicate it!
(She looks through the glass - her large eye is very....large)
Right now there is something near you that is clutter. Go to it, NOW! You know what it is.....it's a piece of paper, probably, from some newspaper or magazine. Perhaps a note you should have discarded when you did the task, like shopping for a nice piece of carp for dinner, but left the paper on the table as a reminder you did get the fish, so now it is merely ....CLUTTER!
Perhaps it is trash, a napkin, or even something larger, like a bowl you have always hated but were afraid to give away because your dear friend Hildegarde gave it to you and you didn't want to anger her.....here is a news flash....SHE DOESN'T CARE! And if she does, then she is another type of clutter...... friend clutter!...... and you should get rid of her!
So, have you found the clutter? I know you have! I'm proud of you! Take it, go do it while I tell you! Take that clutter and throw it out! Now - don't wait till summer, the time is ripe for getting rid of all your tripe!
(Puts her hand to her ear.)
What did you say? This horrid bowl from Hildegarde is not garbage, you do not want to throw it out....Well, then, put it in your donation box! (Horrified) Don't have one? MAKE ONE NOW!
(She points to the screen)
And there are phone numbers for your local clutter pick-up companies, right here......
(She holds up the magnifying glass)
If you can't see the numbers, they are online, too. I just love computers! If you refuse to buy one of those infernal printers, a computer can help you get rid of even more clutter!
(She puts down the magnifying glass)
(Calmer) Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for letting me come into your homes to help you....and help me to live my dream of de-cluttering this beautiful world.
I hope you will join me....in my hate of clutter. I hope you will pledge, as I do, to fight clutter wherever it is found....(Starts to get louder)....We will fight clutter....we shall not flag or fail!
We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in the attics, we shall fight clutter in the garages and in the sheds, we shall fight clutter in the closets and in the basements, we shall fight clutter in our drawers!
(She stands tall and salutes)
We shall fight clutter with growing confidence and growing strength in our cupboards, in our automobiles....we shall defend our right to live an uncluttered life, whatever the cost may be....and it won't be much because we will be saving money on storage units!
(She really gets loud now)
We shall fight in our public places to keep out artwork that is hideous and takes up open space! We shall fight in our pantries, we shall fight on our bookshelves....(Builds big)
We shall fight in our purses, and in the pockets of our coats! We will never surrender!!!!
(She takes a deep breath and marches off, looks back)
I will be back in a moment after I de-clutter my bladder. Take this time to get a big garbage pail and your donation box and bring it close to the television......we have only just begun to fight!
(The end.....maybe even of clutter. Nah, that's here forever, ask my storage unit.)
For those historically interested, this is from the original speech made by Winston Churchill.......
"......we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender......
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8