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---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monologue Mania Day #143 by Janet S. Tiger A Ben Franklin Fourth (c) July 5, 2014
Strong language alert
The Ant-i Fourth (for the Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger
(c) July 5 , 2014 all rights reserved firstname.lastname@example.org
(A smaller person with a big attitude saunters onstage, with antennae on top of their head. The person has a piece of long grass in their mouth, hanging out at a very obviously annoyed angle. Almost forgot - did I mention? Very strong attitude.)
Thank you to the Senior Channel for not having old-fashioned ideas about species. We will remember. I look out at all of you and I can feel the hate. Well, I don't care! Prejudice is your damned choice! I am here on a mission, and nothing will stop me!
I am here today for a reason - a very important reason.
All of you people makin' a big deal about the fuckin' fourth of July.
(Snorts) You have no idea! You run around with your flags, and your parades and your ..(sputters).. your damn hot dogs...(stops, thinks) ...okay, I'm not gonna complain about your hot dogs because they do taste good.
But you ....people....you are all the same. You have a fuckin' picnic and we come and you are so surprised to see us! And why? Haven't we been there on every other damn picnic you have ever had? I mean, we are social animals, too! Your families are pitiful, small, maybe ten, twenty, a hundred, but our family Formicidae, we are in the billions, trillions.......gazillions! You have no idea how many of us there are! And all we ask are a few damn crumbs from your stupid, stupid tables, which we have to climb up, and, if you had to climb the same distance it would be like you would have to climb fucking Mt. Everest for your damned breakfast!
(Listens, nods to the side) I am not gonna edit my language! You can bleep me out, but you can't shut us up! Get your buttons ready!
And don't interrupt me again!
(Turns back to the audience)
You get it now? You want to have a good picnic, be our guest! As long as we can be your guests! We are not asking for everything, just some (loud) damned crumbs from your plastic coated tables!
Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. We have been patient. Too patient. I am now the head of the entire 22,631 species of ants on this entire fucking planet, so you better listen! We are not stupid! We are able to work effectively together - something you humans have yet to learn! And we can solve complex problems - another trait you may want to adopt!
(Takes the grass out of mouth and waves it, very angry)
And we are sick of your killing us! We do not squash you and laugh. We do not make silly books about you and have rock groups named after you! (Louder, more upset) We do come not into your houses and spray your children with poison! All we ask is a little food, so we can accomplish our mission in life - keep this damned planet clean1 We are the clean- up crew! We make sure rotting crap is gone! And we are fucking efficient!
When we go after the carcasses of one of your dead animals, within a few simple days, all that's left are the damned bones! And there is no after effect of chemicals, just a tiny bit of formic acid from our asses, but that washes away easily.
What are we asking? We are asking for just a little courtesy! A little understanding! The 4th of July is our biggest holiday, too! We love the fucking 4th of July! It is like ...Christmas for ants!
So you'd better listen, and listen good. Next 4th, we want no anti-ant activity! Get it? No spray, no squashing and most of all....we want respect! We want no snide comments on your news shows and absolutely no remarks about how it isn't a picnic without UNINVITED guests! It's very simple - next year, we want to be invited guests!
And if you do not listen to our very simple demands, you will be sorry. Because if you think we are organized now, just you wait......wait until, one night, you wake up, and you and your house.....are covered in ....US! Think about it....worse than any of your stupid horror movies......and we can do it, just you wait and see......you feel an itching on your back, we'll be there! You feel a tickle across your arm....we'll be there! In every tiny moment when you are lying half asleep, and you think you might feel an itsy bitsy tingle on your toe...(very loud).....it could be us! The Ants! We are the Ants! We are the ANTS!
(Turns to exit, looks back)
And no more of that stupid song about the rubber tree plant! We hate that damn song!
(Storms out, the end, but never the end of.....ants at a picnic on the 4th of July)
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8