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Monologue Mania Day # 164 by Janet S. Tiger July 26, 2014
Escape from Storage Unit 273
A monologue by Janet S. Tiger
© all rights reserved firstname.lastname@example.org
(A woman crawls onstage, pushing a large box, that is obviously very heavy. She stops, exhausted, hot, sweaty, not in great shape.)
That's it. It's over. After five years, I'm free!
(She struggles to her feet.)
This is the last box. I promise! And I will throw most of the stuff out. I promise!
(She opens the top of the box.)
Oh, my God......
(She lifts out a bag of items)
This is my stuff from the top of my dresser. I looked for this for years!
(Opens a bottle, makes a face of disgust.)
I guess that perfume was better five years ago when we moved.....
(She lifts a calendar)
This is from ten years ago...what the hell was I saving it for?
(Flips through, shaking head)
It's empty......why would I save an old, empty calendar?
(Flips through again)
Oh.....now I remember! These pictures were so beautiful, I was going to frame them! But now....
(She examines the pages)
I think the years made them not so beautiful.......
(She puts a hand through her hair.)
Ain't that the sad truth......
(She reaches in again, pulling out another object)
And what, pray tell, is this?
(She looks closely, shaking head)
I have absolutely no idea! And I paid......
(Reaches into a pocket and pulls out a paper which she examines in horror.)
That I paid....not hundreds, but thousands! Thousands of dollars to save!
(She drops to her knees)
What is wrong with me Oprah?
I watched your show and I tried to simplify! I did my best! And look at me! Five years to empty out two storage units! And I still have junk in the van I rented to carry all this.....(sputtering)....JUNK!
(She shakes her head, now goes to the box, starts to laugh, pulls out an old issue of Oprah)
Amazing! I saved this! And why?
(She reads the cover and starts to laugh, almost maniacally)
‘How to avoid using storage units - Tips on decluttering before, during and after a move’
Wow, did that work well! I even had a bookmark in there!
' You can save a great deal of money by de-cluttering before your move, avoiding lengthy rentals of storage units.’ (Mocks) ‘Those can really add up!’
You tell me, Oprah, you have a billion dollars to spend on storage....or maybe.....
Maybe you own this place?
(Shivers, keeps reading)
‘Unless the item has true sentimental value, do not store replaceables like.......(smiles)...perfume, that you might forget, and which will lose their fragrance after years of storage.’
(Throws head back laughing)
There's a newsflash!
(Reading) ‘Avoid saving unnecessary papers. This includes old calendars with nothing written on them.....’
(She picks up the calendar.)
‘And office supplies that can rust or lose working ability, like staples or scotch tape......’
(She now opens the box gingerly, reaches in, brings out....you guessed it.....scotch tape and a box of staples. She opens the staples, nods.)
(Tries to get a piece of tape, the dispenser....doesn't work.)
Oooh, this is too weird......
(She reads quickly to herself, looking into the box occasionally, horrified.)
Amazing, she wrote an article and it's just for me......
(Reads, starting to sound more like Oprah as she goes)
'Of course it's just for you, and you deserve it after finally gettin' rid of that storage unit! Come on, you know you did good! Give yourself a pat on the back! Go ahead.....do it!'
(She gives herself a pat on the back, smiles, keeps reading)
'There, didn't that feel good? Now I want you to do this...it's gonna be hard, but you can do it... I want you to walk away from the box.....'
(She looks around, did she actually read that? Continues to read)
'You heard me, girl, one step...you can do it.... you know there's nothin' in there you need!'
(She looks back in the box, then she reads)
'Don't go back to the box! You haven't needed anything in there for five years! So there is nothin' in there you need now! Walk away! Do it for me! Do it for yourself!'
(She starts to walk away, reading)
'There you go, I knew you could do it! You are now free of Storage Unit 273.....'
(She looks around, how .....reads)
'Of course I knew which unit! I know everything! I have more spies than the CIA! I have more money than the CIA! Now keep walking!
(She walks to the edge of the stage.)
'That's the way, one foot in front of the other.......it's not so hard.....you can do it! And when you leave here, you go take a shower and get your nails done, girl you look like crap!'
(She takes the magazine and starts to throw it into the box, but stops and reads one last thing)
'But never throw out this magazine! Or I will come and get you and fill your house with more junk! And that's not a threat, that's a promise!'
(She tries to throw the magazine out, but she finally just takes it and runs off.....but then runs back on and into the box it goes! She lifts her arms high and smiles)
(Now she exits. The end......of some of the junk.)
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8