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Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monologue Mania Day # 214 by Janet S. Tiger Conditions of Air Sept. 14, 2014
Conditions of Air (for Radio Row)
A monologue by Janet S. Tiger © all rights reserved firstname.lastname@example.org
(This is from a movie-in-progress. The scene involves the narrator's brother, George, who has just returned from a vacation to find out his brother has not followed his instructions regarding the store. And he is steaming.)
Why am I upset? You ask me why I'm upset? Okay, wise guy, I'll tell you. First, you convince me to take a vacation. I have not had a vacation in twenty years for a reason - I hate vacations. The last vacation I went on, the Germans started World War II! So, in spite of the fact I did not want to go, I went, because your Aunt Sylvia also is crazy and thought it would be a good idea.
Florida - who the hell goes to a place like Florida? I mean, that place is God Almighty hot - or maybe it's the devil's playground, all I know is that it's hot! So I get there after a thousand hour drive with your aunt, which is a hell all of its own, and I am walking by the beach and I see an old buddy, from the town we grew up in, back in Europe, and we start to talk, and I tell him the funny story about that guy who came in to buy a radio, and he has his beautiful girl with him, and he's speaking Spanish, so I say to cousin Barry 'shayna bristen' which you might remember means beautiful knockers in Yiddish, and this guy gives me a nasty look, marches out and yells back at me - 'groise shmuck!' because it turns out he was a landsman living in South America!
And my buddy, I don't know if you ever met him, Solly, Solly Goldblum, he starts to laugh, and says groyse shmuck! And then he grabs his stomach, he's laughing so hard, and he just slides onto the sand! And I'm laughing, so I slide onto the sand, because I think this is how they laugh in Florida....and then I realize he's not laughing anymore, and then I realize he's not breathing anymore! He literally died laughing! From my story! I killed someone with a story!
So after that happens, I'm a little nervous, and stay in the hotel room for a couple days, but then, your Aunt has met some nice people and - without consulting me - has made a date to have dinner with them! And I, your stupid brother, go to this dinner, and, at first, I do not tell any stories, but they were nice people, the Kings, I think from Poughkeepsie, they had a stationery store. But then, we started talking about crazy people in our business, and I tell the story about Mrs. Gottlieb who didn't believe the radio would work in the closet, so she took the radio in and closed the door to listen to one of her favorite shows, you know, the one about that family where things were always falling out of the closet.
So her husband comes home and he hears noises in the closet, so he gets a baseball bat and opens the door to the closet just as there's that scene, and it sounds like a bunch of stuff is fallin on him, and he falls down!
Well, this Mr. King, he starts laughing, and he starts choking on a piece of chicken! And by the time they can help him, he's had a heart attack, and you guessed, he's dead!
So after this wonderful beginning to my vacation, I stayed in my room for the next three days and we drove home, and I am looking forward to getting back to work, because I actually like the smell of making money!
And I come to this store, this store that I have built up with my bare hands! And this store where I left you in charge, and I specifically told you there are two rules - rule one -DON'T DO ANYTHING! and rule two - DON'T DO ANYTHING I WOULDN'T DO!
Which includes NOT GETTING AIR CONDITIONING INSTALLED! And I walk in ten minutes ago, and I see -because there is a big sign outside - that my store, where I told you to do nothing! - now has....AIR CONDITIONING!
(He is really upset now, takes off his tie throws it on the ground)
Can you get a TINY inkling of why I just might be angry! You idiot! How much did you spend on this? You....(sputters)......you shmuck!
And don't tell me to calm down! I am calm! Wait until I've caught my breath - then I'll really get you, you stupid....(sputters) stupid......ingrate!
(He now breathes deeply and looks around)
But I can see there are a lot of people in here, I think we may be the only store on this whole street with air conditioning......And it is damned hot out there........
(He starts to realize it is not hot in the store, it's actually....comfortable)
Maybe, maybe it just might help business in the summer.....
(Looks at some papers)
These are the sales?
(Looks at two different sheets, comparing them)
And that was last year.....that's almost double.......
(He starts to walk off, turns and looks back)
Shmuck! Why didn't you get me to do this before?
(He waves the papers as he exits. End of scene)
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8