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Monologue Mania Day #22 Mar.6, 2014
Senior Channel Rebuttal
by Janet S. Tiger (c) all rights reserved
(A man walks onstage - he is the same man from Day #9 -Senior Channel, and he is - if possible- more annoyed than when we first met him. He also has large bulges in both of the back pockets of his pants)
Hello! and thank you for having me back to the Senior Channel - 'where's the beef?' segment!
There was a gentleman who was on last week - who said people complain too much.... well, I have a complaint ....about him!
First of all - the obvious - he was complaining about complaining - which makes him ......a complainer!
And second - most important - what is wrong with complaining?
(Pauses to let this sink in.)
That's right, think on that for a moment - everybody tells us that complaining is bad - and that no one likes a complainer and that it's now - I read it in the paper! - it could be bad for your health! I say - whooey!
What separates us from animals? And please don't say it's these thumbs! And it isn't tools or whether we bury our dead - it's something that is only human - our ability, nay, I would call it, our talent! - for complaining!
That's right - we should be pleased with our ability to complain!
All the wonderful inventions - all our advances - have come about because we are the only animals who can complain.....
Think about it! Does an animal complain that its baby died? No, they may cry - but chances are- they will eat it! And if the mommy lion dies in childbirth, the daddy lion will come over and have an early supper! You know it's true! We watch the gory reality of the animal world on the animal channel ....all the time! Because no one has yet figured out how to turn wild animals into vegetarians, like my wife is trying to do with dogs and cats, but that's another story.....
(Sobers) If a human baby dies - that is a tragedy....and everyone who sees it- ok, everyone who is normal and sees it - is sad! (Affected) Any death affects us, old, young....we are diminished with one loss, because no one knows what that person would have done, lived, invented, created......
Yes, we humans have our bad days - weeks, centuries! Even a century ago, childbirth was not the safest for mother or child. But...today, in the majority of the world today, if a woman gives birth - she will not die, nor will her baby. It took us centuries to figure out, but we did it!
Where are animals now? What have they ever complained about?
The weather gets too cold, they shiver and look to go to another place, or they sit there and freeze to death!.
Man sits and complains - Oy, it's cold in here.......Mama Mia, it's-a freezin in this cave,
and he figures out how to tame fire!
We complain about everything - and that is the first step to changing it! We see a problem - hmm, it takes so long to travel with this heavy load, I'm tired, things fall and break, what can we do? Let's see if we put this tree trunk under our basket, will it be easier? Oh, my, the wheel is born!
Okay, some people complain too much - others complain too much and do nothing! But, overall, we fix the problem.
Hard to wash clothes, Mom? Let me design a washing machine to save you time! Thank you, Mr. Blackstone!
Have trouble moving around since your stroke, Uncle Tommy? How about this newfangled rolling chair?
It's as simple as this -
No complaints - no progress!
And if the distinguished gentleman who (says it with derision) complained about ME complaining thinks about it for one tiny second, think about this! (He builds to a crescendo) If they can make airplanes that fly with teenagers at the controls....a thousand miles away!.... if they can dig into the earth and extract fluids that drive- not millions- but BILLIONS of cars, (in awe) if they can make a machine that can figure out the very genetic material we are made of..... that can take an x-ray of the fingerprint of God Almighty himself!
(Furious) Then they can make a five-dollar can opener that opens a one dollar can of beans!
(Deep breath) Thank you!
((He hears something from the side and turns to listen then takes the objects from his back pockets - a can opener and a can of beans and waves them at the crowd - then, as leaving, tries to open the can of beans...no luck as we see him leave, still complaining.....)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8