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--------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monologue Mania Day # 229 by Janet S. Tiger Sept. 29, 2014
(from the play of the same name, started 9/2011) A monologue by Janet S. Tiger © all rights reserved firstname.lastname@example.org
(We see a man onstage, MONTE CAMDEN -he is in his - wait, how old is he? Maybe 45, but tries to look younger - or is he 50? He is dressed Hollywood chic - black T-shirt and black suit jacket, blue jeans, sunglasses which he has on his head, not his eyes. He talks fast, and is very excited.)
The question is not how much percentage I want, the question is - are you ready to be... a celebrity?
You think I don't know what’s goin’ on with you? I know everything about you. It's my job to know. How do you think I arrived an hour before the magazine reporter? Luck? No way. I'm here early because when you sign with me, I'll have just enough time to get you ready for that interview.
How do I know you're interested? Easy, because I know you want to be a celebrity! And you're smart enough to do what it takes. (Laughs ) Sure you're smart, you were smart enough to play dumb - in front of the whole damn country!
You see, right now, only I know that you planned the whole routine with that stupid remark on that beauty contest show. And...your boyfriend had a TV friend show the youtube video......(Smiles) ...And..... I know that your Southern accent is a big fake, just like the rest of you. You think you covered your tracks, and you did a pretty good job....but if I could find you, so can others. You see, I know how to fix that. One call and that stuff all disappears, just like your brown hair and your Midwest accent did when you moved to that little town in western Georgia.
(Laughs louder now) You think you know what celebrity is because the cameras and lights and microphones have been shoved in your face all week, but you have no idea what you have stepped into. That's right, you have an amazing opportunity, you have video and aural recognition throughout this last week, most people have either seen and/or heard you! And you are going to not take advantage because you are like a babe in the woods. That's where I come in.
(He takes off his glasses and cleans them with his shirt tail.)
Do you know what celebrity is? (Gives a pause to build)
Celebrity is...... war.
That's it - plain and simple. Or really, as my Dad used to say - insane and pimple. That's right, I've been in this business from before I was born - I know people and where the bodies are buried for three generations.
Celebrity is a battle for who gets the limelight, and even with the Internet, the facts are still the same as they were years ago - people only have a limited imagination and if you can capture that, you are the one they think about. Talent is actually kind of irrelevant! Tons of people have talent.....my mother could play the piano like an angel. But she didn't want to be famous - and you do. That is the key - the desire to be ....(flourish) a celebrity! And that means to do all the things necessary, all the time. To fight - and to fight hard - to stay on those front lines. To smile even when you're tired, to be thinking every minute - of every day - how you can stay in that light - or how to get back if someone has eclipsed you. .....and honey, let me tell ya - you will be eclipsed!
You have a very small window of opportunity. It is a half-life that starts ticking as soon as the camera hits you the first time. How long have you had that spotlight on you? You say a week. It's a week ago, which is, in reality, eight days. And you are in the super crucial week two - still around, but fading fast.
What will you do to keep in that spotlight? Do you know? Have you thought it out? Sure, you have a few gigs - whada they pay? Fifteen grand, twenty if you're lucky.
I am talking about getting you onto a movie - not a big part, but the bimbo girl who almost steals the guy. I know you can act because I saw you do it in front of the whole country! You were prepared with what, twenty great responses- fifty? and you made it seem like you just thought of it! You acted stupid and that is the sign of a great actress, so you could steal this movie, and I can get you half a mill, maybe even a full one if we can squeeze the pimple for some more publicity in these next few days.
(Listens, waves his hands)
What does it mean? Okay, I'll be clear.
You see, I have a client, and he needs to be seen with a woman. Understand? You know who he is - he was in that big action movie last year, with the giant insects from Mars, and then he had the misfortune of trying to pick up a man dressed as a lady of the night - with a TMZ reporter driving by.
So, he is in a pickle - and you are the pickle-picker that he could use. He's seen you on TV and- of course - he fell in love with you immediately, and when you say yes to my representation, he will be on a plane to meet you and be seen with you drinking and coming back here to your room tomorrow. And TMZ will somehow find out about this, and before they take your picture kissing Mr. Pickle goodbye, you will have on your make-up and be ready with some more choice lines for the press....
(Building to a crescendo)You see what I mean...I know how to stop the slide!
People know you, they recognize you, and then.....you are dating a famous actor. No one cares if you have any talent, but ..... You will be famous! And you will stay in the full frontal view of the whole American people! Nothing else will matter – and I mean NOTHING! The economy could be in the toilet, war might be breaking out on three continents, but that doesn't matter because YOU and Lindsey Lohan had a lesbian orgy!
Before you say yes, I want you to think about what this will mean to your life. To stay in the public eye, you are going to have to do things that you may not like, that your family may not like, that I can guarantee you your boyfriend here is gonna hate. (Starts to really build this) You will have to be seen with people, and have pictures taken....
(He spins around, building up momentum) ......and you and your boyfriend here will need to have a very public fight and possible rendezvous while you are with someone else . He will have to date others as a shield, and you might have to look drunk and do rehab and reveal how hard it was to do rehab and fall off the wagon - you will have to gain weight and lose it, at one point you may have to break up a marriage,and if absolutely necessary there is always the possibility of a near death car crash!......(Calms a little) ...and this is just year one!
Now you say 35 per cent is high for what I'm doing - hell, I should ask more! Your mathematical boyfriend here should be able to figure out that 100 per cent of 20 grand is not as good as 65 per cent of a million!
Have I sold you? I hope so. I think you can do it - you have the drive and the smarts to do what it takes. You've gotten this far by making quick decisions, now, you have exactly two minutes to make this one, because time is money and that reporter will be here very soon. And if you say no, I am on my way to the next Youtube nutcase and I can almost guarantee that in two weeks, you will be the proverbial paper under the birdcage in terms of how people think of you.
Gone. You have worked too hard to get here, so you decide - are you ready to be a celebrity? You have two minutes....
(He puts his sunglasses on and starts to walk off, stops, looks back.)
Two minutes ........to get your fifteen minutes of fame.......
(He smiles, then exits. The end)
-------------------------------------- Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315 www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com Member Dramatists Guild since 1983 Playwright-in-Residence Swedenborg Hall 2006-8 --------------------------------------------------------