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Day #28 - 4 weeks! And even though I could write The Lady and the Tiger, I think this is a bit....different.
March 12, 2014 Monologue Mania Day #28
The Lady and the..... Chicken
by Janet S. Tiger © all rights reserved email@example.com
(A woman enters- she is dressed beautifully, and she is older, strong and lovely. She might even remind you of a Shakesperian character. This is an audition for a lady, and she is confident that she has it nailed it.)
Thank you for having the auditions after work, it’s a big help for a lot of us actors.
Yes, that’s my name, and I will be doing the Act 5 Scene 1 speech from Mr. Shakespeare’s Macbeth……
(She puts her purse on the floor, takes a deep breath, is now Lady Macbeth.)
(With great emotion) Yet here’s a spot…..
(She stops, interrupted)
Excuse me? What did you ask?
(She starts to get irritated.)
Yes, I am that actress.
(Listens, reacting in a more annoyed way.)
That is correct, I have been doing that (says it with disdain) commercial for over a decade…..
(Crosses arms, is Lady Macbeth again, but a little less composed)
Out, damned spot! Out, I say…one, two, why then, ‘tis time to…do’t….Hell is murky…
(Hears another interruption, is very annoyed now)
(Very cold) No, it is not a living chicken I swing around my head. The humane society will not allow it.
(Starts tapping her foot.)
There is no need to laugh…. That commercial allowed me to buy a house and get my two children through very expensive colleges!
(Listens, getting more angry, and tapping faster)
So, if I understand you correctly, you are saying not one but… two insulting things – (annoyed) first, that I am not a good enough actress to portray a character totally different from a hillbilly woman who swings a chicken around her head! (very annoyed) And second, that your audience…..who in your eyes probably does not know the difference between Macbeth and Macdonald’s - is incapable –even if I wear a totally different wardrobe than an old gunny sack and a dirty scarf! - of seeing me as anything but a hillbilly woman who swings a chicken around her head!
(Listens, now horrified)
(Almost shrieking) And sings the ….the song….which I will never EVER sing for you!
(She now takes her purse to storm off the stage, hears something, then turns and comes back, she is listening very closely.)
You want me to do what? And how much did you say?
Show me the money!
(She watches, then indicates she will accept and walks to the front of the stage. She leans down, someone hands her something, which she takes, counting)
(Quiet, but pleased) One hundred, two hundred....three....,
(She then puts the money in her purse, keeping the purse open)
You think you are sooooo funny, well, did you think this was the first time I ever heard those stupid remarks before?
(Now she fully opens her purse – and removes a rubber chicken. While holding the edge of her skirt, she proceeds to swing the chicken around her head wildly.)
(Very hillbilly) Well, golly gee, lookahere what I just found fer dinner!
(Singing-tune is Skip to ma lou) …chicken in the crock pot, just like home!
Chicken in the crock pot…we remove the bones!
Chicken in the crock pot…..cluck, cluck, cluck
(Louder- very commercial) Special deal – 15 pieces for only 10 bucks!
(She throws the chicken into the audience and wipes her hands, smiles, stands up straight again as Lady Macbeth - she’s going to finish!)
(With anger, but very strong) ‘Tis time to do it….an actor’s hell is murky!..... who would have thought the old …rooster had so much blood in him…… here’s the smell of the chicken blood still …..all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand!
(She takes her purse, hears something, looks surprised.)
Do I want the part?
(She smiles, starts walking out)
Why would I do that? I make more money at auditions!
(She exits, laughing. The end.)
With apologies to Will - and kudos to all the actors and actresses over the years who have gone past the commercials to achieve greatness!