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Mar. 14, 2014 Day #30 Monologue Mania
A new installment on the Senior Channel by Janet S. Tiger
(c) 2014 all rights reserved firstname.lastname@example.org
(A woman comes onstage. She is dressed as a detective- think senior Sherlock Holmes - with a pipe if you can do it. She walks to a chair and table which has items on it- she is in the mode of the very typical TV salesperson, and has a big smile on her face. )
My name is Detective Louisa Harding, and you may know me from my TV show - Senior Detective Story, shown right here on this channel every Saturday night at 8PM, for those who can stay awake that long!
How did I get the part? I was always a detective - and now I have a chance to practice my chosen profession EVERY DAY!
How? My new company FOUND! enables me to help you find just about anything!
What am I talking about?
Yes, you guessed it! I'll bet every one of you sitting here watching has LOST SOMETHING!
(She looks at the table, picks up keys and shakes them.)
Forget about where the kids are - do you know where your KEYS are?
What about these?
(She waves a pair of glasses at the audience)
Are you wearing them? Are you SURE?
And how about......
(She pushes buttons on a cell phone.)
Has your cell phone run out of juice so that you can't hear it anymore?
I CAN HELP!
Ever since I was a little girl, I was great at finding things - and over the years, I have developed this into a science.
Lost your favorite pen, the only one that ever writes and that you love so much - I can figure out where it went!
(She illustrates on the table - the pen was in a book!)
Missing your jacket - I can find it!
(She lifts up a jacket on the chair - and...lo and behold!...another jacket is below! )
What about that pesky migrating remote? Or the radio you just had in your pocket? One shoe disappear? I can find it!
(She illustrates by 'finding' these objects, then takes out a handkerchief and wipes her brow)
Whew! This finding stuff is hard work.....
And you know it, too! How many minutes, hours....DAYS...of your life have you spent looking for things? And I'll bet some of you….maybe more than some!.... have never found the item.....so not only did you spend the time, you got NOTHING back! Lost objects, lost time! And we are all of us on borrowed time, we have not one moment to waste looking for these lost items......and…contrary to what other telemarketers tell you…..not enough room to rope them onto our bodies....
(She takes some of the items and drapes them around her neck, arms, pretending to choke on the string from the glasses.)
How'd that work out for you?
And what about this waste of money?
(She takes out a beeper of some kind, aims it at the table)
This was supposed to work like this on your keys -
(She presses again, no noise)
But what about when one of the units runs out of electricity - because you didn't need it for a few days!
(She starts whacking the beeper on the table)
Now you have to find two things - the missing keys - and the replacement batteries!
(Mutters) Now where the heck did those batteries go?
(She looks in the jacket pocket - there they are!)
Voila! Another mystery solved!
You may be asking - how the heck does she do it? Does she go nuts like my wife Hilda when she can't find the object? NO! I am a seasoned professional - having found thousands of items for hundreds of people all over the world for the last THIRTY years!
How DO I do it?
It's a combination of my natural born inquisitiveness, and my training as a detective....although I am now retired, I use the same skills now that I did for 22 years working for the Peabody Police Department.....my main tool...is right here....
(She points to her head.)
That's right, my brain. I use logic, and careful observation, and meticulous attention to detail to discover where you put your....WHATEVER!
And is it worth it? What is your time worth at this stage in your life? At age 65, 75, 85….do you have an extra five years to waste looking for things you have lost?
I give you back your time - and....for a small fee, I teach you how to find objects yourself, so you don't have call me again!
Like what you hear? Want to start finding things…..Do you want me NOW? Well, give me a call and I’ll show you how!
Just call the number you see on your screen - it's in giant numbers so you don't have to get too close to the TV - and you will reach one of my schedulers.
I make house calls - but I also work over the phone, for those on a limited budget! That's right, I can find things - OVER THE PHONE!
Try me out - write that number down! Do it now! And if you forget where you put the paper with the number…that happens, right?…. just remember 1-555-FOUND IT!
(She smiles, then hears something from the side.)
Oh, yeah, almost forgot.....(very fast, almost breathless by the end) ....My disclaimer.....I can find almost everything that is lost....including but not limited to...glasses, pens, cell phones, portable phones, keys, legal documents, staplers and other small office machines, articles of clothing, pens, utensils, small mementos of all but radioactive description, (slows a bit) I can find EVERYTHING......except people. If you have lost someone, please call your local police department.....(sighs) finding people is just too difficult, too dangerous and too sad. (Back to commercial speed) And please, do not call if you have lost your marbles! When those are gone, not even I can find 'em! Thank you!
(Deep breath) Be sure to watch me - Captain Louisa Harding, Senior Detective Story, 8 pm , every Saturday....and remember the Senior Channel motto - Not old, but Bold! And certainly not mold!
(Lights off, the end)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8