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Today is the first day of Spring - and I wrote AROUND THE BLOCK - which is a good first day of spring piece - on Day #34, you can scroll down or click here
It joins my other Holiday Monologues here
Mar. 20, 2014 Day #35 Monologue Mania
(Parental alert - some adult language and ideas)
(another segment for the Senior Channel)
by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2014 all rights reserved
(An older woman comes onstage, she is carrying a folder and she is annoyed. She can have a midwestern accent - or Southern, whichever the actress prefers - and whichever gets the most response from the audience She turns to face the wings, ignores the audience. )
Thank you for letting me on Senior Moments......
(Hears something from the wings. Cups her ear)
Sorry, don't have my hearing aid on......
(She listens, turns to face her back to the audience, faces rear of the stage)
(Hears something, makes a turn and now faces the audience, peers at them)
Is that the camera? If you say so…. can't see much without my glasses!.....(Takes a breath)
I’ll start again. Hello, welcome to the Senior Channel's show, Senior Moments.
(She opens the folder)
I am here today because I have a complaint - a much more important complaint than those two brothers who are always on here!
Look at this.
(She fumbles with the papers, holding up one.)
This is a perfect example of what is wrong with our society today!
Can you read it? If you received one of these ads in the mail, you will know what I am talking about!
I will tell you - it is an ad to help men.....
(She turns to the wings)
Can I say the other words?
It helps men with their.....PRIVATE PARTS!
There I said it, on television, no less.
(She turns to listen)
I will not say some of those others words even if I can! When TV first came out, it was nice, what children could watch - you didn't want to say words like penis on television! OOOH......
(She covers her mouth)
Sorry....that penis just slipped out of my mouth......I mean....l....(flustered) let me get back to what I was saying.....
(Holds up the paper again)
Is an ad selling a product made with a special ingredient from a mountain in the Himalayas....(giggles) Him..a ...layas.....probably why they picked those mountains....
Anyhow, they claim this magic mushroom will help men of all ages....in the bedroom....and it says this mushroom only can be harvested once a year! And it might become extinct!
(Getting annoyed) Here's my solution so that it won't become extinct - don't pick the damned mushrooms!
(She holds the whole packet up now, getting very agitated)
And why do they have to do this to us? I do not like to read these things! They are too long!
This ad is 13 pages long and uses the word sex and erection over 75 times! I counted!... Twice!
(Takes deep breath)
On top of that, they have the gall to charge $57.50 ......for a sample! And a six month supply is more than my rent!
(Sputtering now- listens to comment from the side)
Yes, I'm almost done.
(She neatens the papers back in the folder)
And the worst part - the very worst part!
Is that.....it doesn't work! (She hangs her head and exits)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8