Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day
- for a whole year!
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down. To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
----------------------------------------------------
Mar. 22, 2014 Day #38 Undependable Monologue Mania
Undependable
by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2014 all rights reserved
[email protected]
(A woman of indeterminate age comes onstage. Her age is indeterminate because she is a hillbilly, and she is dressed as such, and she is carrying a big box which she sets on the floor.)
Howdy! I am here to sell you something and you done know it, too! That's a because this a here is one of those(says it carefully) in- fo-mer-cials, and I am gonna sell you my homemade parfume, because lemme tell you- YOU need it!
First, I gotta do like those other folks do - ask you questions!
Is YOUR husband dependable?
Does he go to work even when he is sick?
Can you time an egg when he brushes his teeth?
Every weekend does he get up and go into his workshop and fiddle and fix somethin?
When he's not at work, do you know where he is every single minute of the day?
And are you ready to scream because of this?
Well, I'll betcha you are - I know because I have friends and I have listened to womenfolk for years and years - women just hate a man who is too dependable!
So I have created a parfum that will give you what you want!
Looka here!
(She opens the large box and removes a second box, then a third box, and finally a small, pretty box - she holds this up)
This here is my new, entirely original parfume - and it is called, appropriately enough - Undependable!
Why would you like this?
Because it will help you with your husband!
I made it myself!
If you are watchin this TV carefully, in one corner you will see a video, made by my daughter with her fancy phone, of me cookin up the very first batch of Undependable!
OOH, did you see the part where it splashes up and hits me in the face! That was a magic moment - that's when I knew I got it right!
What is the secret ingredient?
No secrets! But first, let me tell you about my husband - who is not dependable at all!
I suspected this at my weddin when he tried to make a date with my cousin Sue Ann from Toupelo.
Then, after I married him, my momma warned me - she said (imitates her momma) ‘The only thing you will be able to depend on from him -is grief.’
My daddy gave me no advice because he run off when I was ten, but that's another story.....
Anyhow, my man used to be very good-lookin’ and that love was too much up in me to listen to any advice, so we got hitched and, it turned out, lo and behold… my momma was right! He was dependably UNDEPENDABLE. Even now, I may never know where he is exactly, but I am sure it has be one of several things - out runnin around with other women,....or gamblin- or sometimes findin somethin that ain't lost yet..... all of which, to his credit, you can always depend on him to promise… never to do again!
So....gettin back to my secret ingredient.....are you ready... and no, for those of you with evil minds, the secret ingredient is not him….. I did not boil him in the solution! I am a Christian woman! ….And, I had no idea where he was.....so I took all his clothing, some of which still had lipstick from other women on it!.... and smelled like booze and fried chicken from Evan’s Bar and Grill…… look at the insert here- don't my girl do good video work?- and boiled up that mess for two days!
(She opens the final box, removes a spray bottle)
And then I put it into these special parfume bottles .......
(She sprays it, and sniffs deeply, then gags)
And it smells! I mean awful honey!
Why would you buy this? Because it smells just like…… undependable!
And if you want to appreciate your old borin-always-know-where-he-is husband of yours.....you just take a whiff of this and you will remember what 'Undependable' smells like!
The price is on the screen - and the phone number to call for your special order!
You say - (imitates classy voice) 'How can you charge so much for such an odoriferous perfume?'
(Back to hereself) Because it's a hellofa lot cheaper than a divorce, my darlins!
So get yourself onto that phone right now and order you some of my best batch of Undependable! Direct from his clothing! But don't worry, the next batch will have his shoes, so it will be just as bad!
So, order now - with the profits from this idea, I plan to go to Nashville and see where Elvis walked, so thank you for helpin me get to my dream!
(She gives a big smile, reaches in a pocket and takes out a paper)
I think 'membered it all, but lemme check....oh yeah, one last thing....
Here's my personal guarantee- if you do not start appreciatin' your old, stick-in-the-mud hubby within just a few minutes of whiffin' my concoction....
I will loan you my hubby for one whole week! No extra charge!
(She throws up her hands and turns to go.)
You want 'im, you got 'm!
(As she exits, we hear her singing softly, to the tune of Unforgettable - Undependable...... The end)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
- for a whole year!
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down. To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
----------------------------------------------------
Mar. 22, 2014 Day #38 Undependable Monologue Mania
Undependable
by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2014 all rights reserved
[email protected]
(A woman of indeterminate age comes onstage. Her age is indeterminate because she is a hillbilly, and she is dressed as such, and she is carrying a big box which she sets on the floor.)
Howdy! I am here to sell you something and you done know it, too! That's a because this a here is one of those(says it carefully) in- fo-mer-cials, and I am gonna sell you my homemade parfume, because lemme tell you- YOU need it!
First, I gotta do like those other folks do - ask you questions!
Is YOUR husband dependable?
Does he go to work even when he is sick?
Can you time an egg when he brushes his teeth?
Every weekend does he get up and go into his workshop and fiddle and fix somethin?
When he's not at work, do you know where he is every single minute of the day?
And are you ready to scream because of this?
Well, I'll betcha you are - I know because I have friends and I have listened to womenfolk for years and years - women just hate a man who is too dependable!
So I have created a parfum that will give you what you want!
Looka here!
(She opens the large box and removes a second box, then a third box, and finally a small, pretty box - she holds this up)
This here is my new, entirely original parfume - and it is called, appropriately enough - Undependable!
Why would you like this?
Because it will help you with your husband!
I made it myself!
If you are watchin this TV carefully, in one corner you will see a video, made by my daughter with her fancy phone, of me cookin up the very first batch of Undependable!
OOH, did you see the part where it splashes up and hits me in the face! That was a magic moment - that's when I knew I got it right!
What is the secret ingredient?
No secrets! But first, let me tell you about my husband - who is not dependable at all!
I suspected this at my weddin when he tried to make a date with my cousin Sue Ann from Toupelo.
Then, after I married him, my momma warned me - she said (imitates her momma) ‘The only thing you will be able to depend on from him -is grief.’
My daddy gave me no advice because he run off when I was ten, but that's another story.....
Anyhow, my man used to be very good-lookin’ and that love was too much up in me to listen to any advice, so we got hitched and, it turned out, lo and behold… my momma was right! He was dependably UNDEPENDABLE. Even now, I may never know where he is exactly, but I am sure it has be one of several things - out runnin around with other women,....or gamblin- or sometimes findin somethin that ain't lost yet..... all of which, to his credit, you can always depend on him to promise… never to do again!
So....gettin back to my secret ingredient.....are you ready... and no, for those of you with evil minds, the secret ingredient is not him….. I did not boil him in the solution! I am a Christian woman! ….And, I had no idea where he was.....so I took all his clothing, some of which still had lipstick from other women on it!.... and smelled like booze and fried chicken from Evan’s Bar and Grill…… look at the insert here- don't my girl do good video work?- and boiled up that mess for two days!
(She opens the final box, removes a spray bottle)
And then I put it into these special parfume bottles .......
(She sprays it, and sniffs deeply, then gags)
And it smells! I mean awful honey!
Why would you buy this? Because it smells just like…… undependable!
And if you want to appreciate your old borin-always-know-where-he-is husband of yours.....you just take a whiff of this and you will remember what 'Undependable' smells like!
The price is on the screen - and the phone number to call for your special order!
You say - (imitates classy voice) 'How can you charge so much for such an odoriferous perfume?'
(Back to hereself) Because it's a hellofa lot cheaper than a divorce, my darlins!
So get yourself onto that phone right now and order you some of my best batch of Undependable! Direct from his clothing! But don't worry, the next batch will have his shoes, so it will be just as bad!
So, order now - with the profits from this idea, I plan to go to Nashville and see where Elvis walked, so thank you for helpin me get to my dream!
(She gives a big smile, reaches in a pocket and takes out a paper)
I think 'membered it all, but lemme check....oh yeah, one last thing....
Here's my personal guarantee- if you do not start appreciatin' your old, stick-in-the-mud hubby within just a few minutes of whiffin' my concoction....
I will loan you my hubby for one whole week! No extra charge!
(She throws up her hands and turns to go.)
You want 'im, you got 'm!
(As she exits, we hear her singing softly, to the tune of Unforgettable - Undependable...... The end)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
858-274-9678 www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
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