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Today is always someone's birthday - in this case, my dear friend, Diane (who is usually my first listener to these monologues- thank you so very much!)
Have a wonderful, happy birthday, and a great year to follow!
Mar. 29, 2014 Birthday Twins Day # 45 Monologue Mania
Birthday Twins (c)
(yet another for the Senior Channel)
Janet S. Tiger
© 2014 all rights reserved
(A man rolls onto the stage in a wheelchair. He is not fast, but steady. He faces the audience and takes a party whistle blower and blows it them- twice.)
Thank you for letting me come onto the Senior Channel show, Senior Moments, because, everyone, today is a special day........ today is my birthday!
(He blows the blower again)
The big 0ne- oh.....oh!
That's right......100 years!
(He blows again)
When I was younger – in my fifties! – anyone who got to be a hundred was very special, they were on TV, and it was a big deal. Now, nothing. We are average – in fact, there was something in the paper that said….hold on, let me find it….
(He searches in his lap, pulls out a newspaper, reads.)
Says right here that, ‘100…is the new….60!’
(He laughs loudly)
Well, that’s a pile!
But not the point! Today is special not just because it’s my birthday, but because I have a birthday twin…….and we are going to call him and tell him ‘Happy Birthday’ on television!
(He now pulls a cell phone from his lap and pushes one button.)
They fixed it that all I have to do is push once…..and these days, that’s about all I can do…………if you know what I mean…. Hey, Lester, it’s me, Patrick, yeah, Happy Birthday! I got everyone in TV-land here to sing to you…….
(Holds the phone up, indicates the audience is to sing)
Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to me, HappyBirthday dear Lester and Patrick, Happy Birthday to us!
Yeah, I’ll call you later, old buddy…..have a great day!
(He closes the phone)
No, Lester is not the same age, just the same day! That’s why we’re birthday twins –but he’s just a young pup…he’s only 98!
Lester and I grew up on the same street – but we are blood brothers now. I married his sister, may she rest in peace, and had four beautiful children with her, so, it may be a little backwards, but we are related by blood!
Now, my birthday used to be…. April first…that’s right April Fool’s Day. Everyone always had fun with that- I was the ‘April Fool.’
But, yes, you heard me, it ‘used to be’ my birthday. Betcha didn’t know you could switch, didja?
(Takes a deep breath)
As the story goes, my father was killed in the Great War – World War I. My mother remarried a musician – he was a little crazy, but he adopted me and was a generally decent stepfather. He didn’t beat us, he was a nice guy overall, when he was around…..
After my mother died, he died right away, like he had to go visit her again….and I got to go through all the papers. Now that…..as they say now on those silly TV shows…. is a fun job…(spits it out, loud)…NOT!
Especially since I found out that, not only was he not my father, which I already knew, but my mother was not my mother – she had adopted me, on April 1st…..which had become my birthday.
Let me tell you, it’s like being in a book, or a movie, where the main character wakes up and finds out that everything was a dream!
And the worst part was, I was sixty, and even if I had had the energy to go out and look for my real parents – which I didn’t – because finding this out, made 60 into the new 100.
I was stunned. What else was a lie?
Could I trust anyone?
And then Lester came to visit and said to me – ‘doesn’t matter who your parents are, all that matters, is who YOU are.'
Lester never talked a lot, I was the one who did the talking, but when he spoke, it usually made sense.
So I stopped worrying about looking for the past. Saved me a lot of time.
But I did do one thing – I petitioned the court to change my birthday – which I had always hated anyways. People don’t know you can do that once – as long as there was an adoption, and there is no fraud involved.
(Laughs, a little bitterly)
At least, no fraud on my part.
So……I switched the day legally….to March 30th……Lester’s birthday. So we are not only blood brothers, but birthday twins.
(He lifts his arms)
Happy Birthday to us, Lester!
(He turns to the side)
At 100, I know my time is up! And I don’t need any help from you young people! I can do this myself!
(He turns to wheel off….looks back)
Almost forgot…not a surprise at this age, just an excuse……this morning I got an amazing phone call. You see, we married young, Lester’s sister and I, and had our first child when we were just 20….first grandchild at 41, great grandchild at 62….great-great grandchild at 81 – and last night, a new baby was born….my first…..
(Counts on his fingers)
Great….great…..GREAT….that’s three greats!...grandchild……
Just after midnight……so now, we have another birthday twin, Lester…..
Happy Birthday to us all!
(He rolls off)
And many more!
(Not the end for awhile.)
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8