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Apr. 2, 2014 Day #49 Monologue Mania xyzzz
Mummy Dearest (c)
by Janet S. Tiger
(c) 2014 all rights reserved
(Man of indeterminate age walks regally onstage, nodding to the audience. Slight accent, but indeterminate - could it be Egyptian?)
I am very pleased to be here on your Senior Channel today. This program of...senior moments....is a perfect place for me to reach many of your people.
They asked me if I was a senior, and I told them, very carefully, that I am much older than anyone who has been on this show - including the gentleman of age 100 last week.
I am - in your time - two thousand, one hundred and nineteen years of age.
Of course, my family tells me I hardly look a day over 2000!
So you see, I am very qualified to be a guest on your esteemed channel.
(Puffs up a little) In my day, I was a very well respected man. My family and I had been in a business that was needed and very much revered - what you call now - mummification - of beloved animals of the family. In Egypt in that time, cats and dogs and even lizards and pet snakes were much beloved, and when they died, people wanted them to have a good life in the afterlife. That is, as you say it.......where my family came in.
If you lived then, you would certainly have heard of us, Seti and Sons.......
Top mummifiers. We had a famous motto....(starts to speak in Egyptian stops) Loosely translated it would be........When your pet dies, do not cry.....we are the best mummy makers for the....afterlife.....
(He smiles, is happy, remembering)
Now, those really were the old days!
Until Ptolemaic the Third. He was...terrible! Until his rule there were almost no laws - then he came along- instead of one papyrus roll.......
(He illustrates with his hands)
.......for all the laws, suddenly there are 63 papyrus rolls! Who can read them all, let alone carry them!
(Thinks) Let alone ......carry them out!
So…what is your word….(remembers) … graft.... became a way of life. But it was not MY fault....I was only doing my part to keep up with the Amenotephs!
Competition was brutal – and since a mummifier earned more than a farmer, many untrained people tried to....as you say it..... get into the picture. Much like your Internet today, I think.
But we discovered a way to speed up production - inventive and simple, and it was by an accident. It was actually my daughter - Nefertari's - idea - she was playing with some rocks and sand and said to me, (imitates childlike voice) ...'eeeeet'- that's Daddy in ancient Egyptian - 'eeet, look, I made a mummy of a cat!'
And she proudly showed me a small mummy made out of.....the rocks and stones and earth. My wife was horrified - she always complains anyhow, but she told our daughter - (imitates, harsh and loud)- 'don't make a mummy when the cat is still alive'
Our little girl started to cry, and I told my wife....don't yell, foolish woman, she is only a little girl!
So we looked at the mummy - it was good for a child......and then....like a desert wind.... the idea came to me!
Once the process is completed, no one could know what was inside! With a real dead animal, we would have to take hours and hours for the entire mummification process to be done properly - if you work too fast with the chemicals, the whole animal can ……(shudders) ….dissolve! It was not a pretty thing.
Customers did not like when we told them the animal had …..dissolved, so we had become careful......but this, this was a better solution!
We experimented- then we found out if we used certain rocks and stone instead of the animal, then we could cut production time by five hours - on the sundial!
And we made a promise - never to tell anyone! It would be a family secret - throughout the ages......
And it made us very wealthy, which is why we can survive to this day, using similar methods to the ones we used on the animals!
So why am I here today, on this lovely program, which is so informative of your time? Because some people in your time are doing bad things- and I am not talking about shooting and stabbing and taking pictures of your naked bodies, which seem to be your main interests today, I am talking about something much more serious - offending the Gods!
Yes, some of you, I believe the word is ...scientist....are digging up very sacred burial grounds ....and then you take pictures of the people and animals that are mummies! It is called a CAT scan - which i still do not understand how you can have a CAT scan of a dog....or a lizard. But many things here are completely incomprehensible to me.
The point is that disturbing the burial places was bad enough, but there is not a need to let the gods know that some of us....some of us who are well regarded in the afterlife....did not do a good job on the mummies of their beloved cats and dogs!
This is very bad for me and my family!
So please, using this show, and your Internet, please ask these scientists to stop immediately from the CAT scan process! It is completely unnecessary and it will only cause grief!
Already, you are seeing the wrath of Anubis here in your time -(quoting) 'the oceans will rise, and the heavens will be hot fire on you'......so, if you want to avoid all the troubles of global warming and the hothouse effect, please stop scanning the animal mummies.
(Turns to walk off, then stops)
For those who are wondering, I would tell you more about how we are still alive, unfortunately it is still a secret.....but we are working on an infomercial, so maybe next time when I return.....
(He exits, and do we hear him saying something?)
(To himself) If you die, do not cry....Seti and Sons will help you avoid the afterlife........just try our new product.....from an old recipe...... (very faint) but wait, there's more.....
(Lights down - but.....he'll be back!)