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Apr. 7, 2014 Day #54 Fat Lady Singing Monologue Mania (for the Senior Channel)
Fat Lady Singing (c)
by Janet S. Tiger
© all rights reserved 2014
(A man comes out onstage – he is dressed formally, can even be a penguin suit tux if the actor has one. He is older, very stiff back, very annoyed, trying to hide it, not doing well.)
Hello, my dear friends here in the audience and out in TV land. The Senior Channel has graciously allowed me to make my closing remarks for this season, the last season of our opera company….
(Listens, starts to ruffle)
I will not put up with heckling from the crowd!
(He looks to the side)
They told me there would be no ruffians! That the audience was screened!
(Listens, calms a bit)
All right. I want to tell everyone in our city that I have been very honored to be the head of our illustrious opera company these past 20 years…..the finest I think in our history…..
(Listens, raises his fist)
I just love all you people who have to complain! Yes, we are closing down the opera! Why? Because none of you ever came to it, that’s why! And we had to beg you for money, every year, year in and year out and you would tell us…(imitates voices) …’I don’t have money, my stocks are down this year….’…..(another voice)…’But this year the IRS took all my extra! I can’t help….’…..or my favorite…..’My mother-in-law cancelled her subscription after you had a naked horse onstage….if I donate, I will certainly offend her!’
(Getting very agitated) But now…..NOW…..that we are trying to close this on a professional, yes, even on a civilized note….all of you nutjobs come out of the woodwork to say ‘We want an opera!’
(Almost ranting) Where were you fifteen years ago - when we had more performers onstage than in the audience?
(Ranting) Where were you when we gave free admission to youngsters and begged for you to bring your children, to introduce them to the joys of beautiful music – instead of that crap they listen to nonstop on those damned earphones! I’ll tell you where you were! You were at the beach!
(He sputters, takes a handkerchief out of his pocket)
(Calms a bit) Well, I have news for you – all of you! – you won’t have the opera to kick around anymore! We are quitting and there’s nothing you can do about it!
(He moves as if to dodge something that was thrown)
Now that’s very classy! What did you throw? A rotten tomato? Oooh, that’s scary – not to me, because I don’t care anymore….what does it say about all of you who can only react when there is a big story on Facebook or Twitter? What does it say that all you care about is how you will look on the evening news?
What does it say……
(He brings his hands to his face – this one hit him. He wipes off the icky stuff with his hands, then a handkerchief, folding it carefully, then putting it away.)
I guess that says it all…..go ahead, send in money to keep this silly opera going! See if I care!
(He turns to leave, squares his shoulders, he is hit again, from the back. He doesn’t turn, just walks off, and, we hear him singing….’Toreador…..’ At the edge of the stage, he leans to someone in the wings.)
I hope that brought in enough money. (Listens) Yes, I suppose I will do anything for…..opera.
(He smiles, exits. The opera is saved!)