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Beginning of week 10!
Apr. 17, 2014 Day #64 Monologue Mania
The Original Coming Out Party (c)
(for the Senior Channel)
by Janet S. Tiger
(c) 2014 all rights reserved
(Woman comes out onstage, she is smiling)
Hi, there! I just love all the crazy people who come on this show! And my family is always telling me that I'm the craziest of all, so I just had to come on and tell you my favorite holiday - and that is....Mother's Day. Which, as a Senior, is even more special, because I am not only a mother, but soon to be a grandmother, and then I hope a great-grandmother...and after that, maybe a -how many is that...great-great grandmother.?
(She counts on her fingers)
Ooh, I wish they could figure out a new name, because the baby is gonna take forever to rememba that one!
I wonder because I actually know about my......
(counts on her fingers quickly and quietly)
....great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great....grandmother....
When I retired, I decided to find out more about my family, which some of my family was not too happy about, but that's because they worry too much...Anyhow, I started doing the research......and it turned out this relative had come across the Atlantic - while pregnant! And she gave birth....during a storm. When I read about that, I thought, wow! That explains a lot.....
So why is Mother's day so so special? Because, you see, this day was also my coming out day.....not the way it means now with sex and gay, but a very old-fashioned way.
My mother was pregnant with me - I was the third. And she was busy, and she waited to go to the hospital, because, she always said, after two babies, she knew what was going on.
But she didn't! On Mother's Day, on the way to the hospital - in the bus, no less, she realized my head was starting to come out!
It was an amazing scene - the driver was able to call for help, but, unlike the movies, there were no doctors riding the bus that day.
I don't have any home movies from the time - and it was way before cell phones! - but I can show you a bit of what happened.....
(She takes off her sweater and lays it down on the stage)
The other passengers helped by putting down coats for my mother to lay on the back bench, and one woman had been a nurse in World War II, and.....I was born on the back seat of the Number 47 downtown express!
(She gets up, holding a 'baby' in her hands)
But that's not all......after hearing this story my whole life, I decided that would never happen to me, so at the first sign of imminent birth,I had my husband drive me straight to the hospital. Four hours of contractions and I was exhausted.
They called it - false labor.
So we went home.
A couple of days later, the pains started. Rushed again to the hospital.
False labor. What a ridiculous name for it! It is definitely labor, and it is certainly not false!
But still, no baby.
On the way home out of the hospital, my husband started to laugh. When I asked what was so funny, he said.....'What if the baby doesn't come for another year....or two? We could have a giant baby!'
I almost killed him! The baby was already huge, and it was no picnic going to the bathroom ten times a night, and he was laughing!
But he was laughing so hard he had to pull over....right there in the parking lot of the hospital.
(She starts waving her hands)
I started to slap at him, and he silly slapped back and we got into the silliest looking argument and suddenly I saw us in the mirror and now I started to laugh. Maybe he was right!
We would be on the front page of the paper! Maybe even the National Enquirer!
After all the nerves of two false labors, it was such a relief to laugh....and then....it was like the most amazing sensation, but I knew the baby was coming out - in the car! I stopped laughing.
(She smiles and puts her hands on her hips.)
My husband stopped laughing.
And then he got out of the car. I was horrified - was he going to leave me NOW?
Then I heard him calling to some of the workers walking into the hospital. They ran to get some doctors, and they brought a gurney, but by the time they got to our car....the baby was already out!
First me, then my daughter.....
And now it's her turn.....and we are on...baby watch.
Where will this baby have its coming out party? In the park? At work? On an airplane?
But here's the thing - we were all born in May - even my ancestor in the boat!
(She pulls a small book out of her pocket, reads)
'.... and it was in the fifth month, on the second Sunday.....when I gave birth to my first child, a male, in the stomach of the ship, heaving and tossing with the great storm outside....we christened him 'Jonah' and he was born a healthy baby, in the midst of all the wailing of the wind, he wailed back, as he had a strong voice, and with his birth, I became a mother......'
(She turns to go, looks back)
Coming out… as just who you are, naked to the world….it only REALLY happens one time in your life…….
Get it, my TV friends, the second Sunday in the fifth month, the month of May, she started a family tradition.......we all had our ‘coming out’ parties on what would be....Mother's Day!
(She laughs as she exits.)
Happy Mother's Day - a few weeks early!- to all!
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8