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Apr. 22, 2014 Day #70 Monologue Mania
(Strong language alert)
Drownded is Drownded
by Janet S. Tiger
© 2014 all rights reserved
(A younger man enters, running. He looks over his shoulder, crouches on the side of the stage as if others may catch him. He listens, the danger is past, he comes up slowly. He turns to the audience.)
(Thick hillbilly accent) Sorry to bother you, I didn’t see you was a hidin out here. Didn’t mean to almost blow you cover……
(He looks around, peeks out)
I wonder where Toby went…..we was together just a minute ago, hope he got away, too…
(Comes closer to the audience.)
Sleepin off a drunk, huh? I done that here a few times, it’s pretty safe. I didn’t know that anyone else knew about this place.
(Wraps his hands around himself)
Boy, it is cold here. I forgot how cold it gets. I sure got into it this time, didn’t I? They was a shootin at me like crazy! Am I glad they don’t have good aim like all those police on the TV do! I’d be shorely dead!
My Daddy used to warn me – he’d say my luck would run out one day.
I’d just laugh at him. He don’t know nothing, never did. Workin that same five acres of rocks for his whole life, prob’ly will in hell too!
(He laughs again, less loudly)
(Thinking) What did he say? He had an expression…..
(He looks over at the audience, almost sneering)
What the hell am I tellin you for, you’re drunk!
(Walks around, holding rubbing his arms to keep warm)
He had a story he used to tell…..stupid story, supposed to give me some deep wisdom….why am I thinkin about it now? Mebbe cause it’s so damn damp in here…(Perks up) ..I remember! (Says it carefully) Drownded is drownded…..…he used to say it didn’t matter whether you drownded in the ocean or in a bowl of hot soup, you were dead either way, and the undertaker didn’t care, so long as you paid for the coffin.
(He walks around, remembering a better time)
This was his favorite story, because ya see, he had lived with his relatives when his folks died of the flu, and he was not fond of (imitates a father’s voice) ‘those people’. He told me his uncle would whip him, and his aunt would make him eat food he hated. I guess that’s where he learned his parentin skills.
(He laughs, bitterly this time)
But Uncle Travis had been swept away in the river, when they was fishin during a storm, and..this was his favorite part of the story!…. his Aunt Mattie ….when she was eatin one day .. she just passed out!... and her face landed in a bowl of her horrible tomato soup….but since Uncle Travis was not around, she suffocated…… in two inches of fluid!……
Drownded is drownded…….that’s what he would say. It don’t matter if it’s a shotgun or a BB gun, don’t get shot…..
(Laughs) Died in a bowl of tomato soup! My daddy would laugh every time, he said it was ‘divine intervention.’ I just call it damned bad luck, know what I mean? Why did I start talkin about food? I sure could go for a bowl of hot soup right now? Know what I mean?
(He goes to the audience, pokes at it)
You sure are quiet……
(He goes over, pokes again.)
Since you so quiet, mebbe you don’t need that nice warm blanket you got…..
(He goes over, pulls off a blanket, and starts to wrap it around himself)
That’s better……….sorry about that, but you don’t seem to be a caring about stayin warm as much as me…..
(He goes over, kicks at the body with his foot.)
Hey, old man, are you ok?
(Starts to get worried)
(Louder) I said, hey old man, can you hear me?
(He now examines the body)
Shit, I didn’t see that you was hurt…….that’s a lot of blood!.....You need a doctor!
(He goes over and turns the body)
You look familiar……
(Takes a deep breath)
(He goes over, more carefully now and really looks)
(He starts to shake)
You look …just like the man in my mirror this morning, only older….but, I’m not that old, Toby and I are only kids….ok, maybe we ain’t kids no more……but…..
(Drops the body, stands and starts to grab at his arms and legs)
I don feel no bullets, nothing…..I’m just cold, so cold…….I can’t be……
(He goes to the edge of the stage, tries to get out, can’t)
(He breathes deeply, now walks back to the audience, starts to laugh)
Drownded is drownded…… I guess Daddy was right about something after all….
(He looks out at the audience, sits down, resigned)
So, you wanna hear another story…..I guess this one is about….how I musta died…..
(Lights down. The end)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8