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May 9, 2014 Day #86 Monologue Mania by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2014
The Worry Wart
(for The Senior Channel)
by Janet S. Tiger
© 2014 all rights reserved
(A person comes onstage – can be older man or woman – and they are dressed in black with black gloves and a black cap over their hair.)
Hello, and thank you for tuning in to the Senior Channel new ideas show.
(Takes a deep breath)
I am …….a wart.
And we are…..the……
(The person turns around in a circle, to show a sign printed on the back of the shirt that says 'Worry Warts').
We are a professional company that takes the worry out of…..worry!
I am the owner and first wart.
Are you worried about something? Anything?
Tired of wasting time worrying? Tired of having people tell you to stop worrying – and you can’t?
We are a new company that is designed to help you!
We will do the worrying…for you!
‘ How?’ you worry……
It’s easy. I spent my life as a worry wart, always ruminating about all the possibilities of how things could go wrong.
Did they? You bet they did! I have lived through illness, war, death of loved ones, almost death of myself, sickness of children, problems with bosses, loud and annoying neighbors…even windchimes!
Now my family always reminds me that 99% of what I worry about NEVER HAPPENS. This is supposed to be reassuring, but it is not, it is optimist condescention! And so, I decided to worry more….find new ways to worry. Like a runner training for a marathon, I studied trouble. All the myriad of things that can go wrong. This is not difficult to do – I just read the newspaper! Then, I discovered the computer, and now I surf the net for new improved ways to worry.
And I realized one day….worry is like a gift - it fills me with a delicious sensation- like being filled with gobs of gooey chocolate! I knew that I love to worry! And I do it very well!
If you give me a beautiful day, I can think about how they have taught us the sun will explode in 10 billion years, but what if they are wrong? By 10 billion years? What if the sun is about to explode right now? There’s something to worry about!
So I came out of the closet as a professional worrier. I worry – and I love it!
You give me your worries, and I will find new ways to worry about them!
Have something growing on your skin and you’re afraid to see a doctor? Worried it could be MELANOMA? I can worry about 200 more diseases you could have! Why stop with illness – I can worry about your crazy daughter-in-law, and how she’s ruining your grandchildren, or about your boss and whether or not you will be fired or lose your job in 96 embarrassing ways!
We can worry about anything and everything! War, famine, pestilence, and, a big one for a lot of people, the stock market!
But wait, there's more! We have experts who specialize in worrying about every area – your dog and how long it will live, your children, and how they never call, your parents, and how they never call, the neighbors with the funny smells coming from the garage….you name it, we can worry about it! We take the worry out of worrying!
Just call the number on screen –
(He points to an area above his head, listens, then points to the other side)
…1-800-No-Worry! We are Worry Warts! We are the pros in worrying…..so you don’t have to! Unless you want to, of course, in that case, please call this number….
(He points with both hands now)
As we are constantly looking for new worriers!
(He turns to go, looks back)
And please, leave the worrying to us!
(He exits. Don’t worry, it’s the end)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8