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The Senior Channel
by Janet S. Tiger
(c) all rights reserved Feb. 21, 2014 firstname.lastname@example.org
(An older man enters, he is holding a paper bag - and he is annoyed.)
This is my idea for your Shark Tank! I want to start a company - right now! - and I want it to be a channel for senior citizens, calling it, cleverly enough, THE SENIOR CHANNEL. It would be donations from seniors who want a channel for themselves. (Starts to get emotional) It would address important issues for senior citizens - and best of all - because it is all donations - it would have NO ADS about bladder slings and Viagra and lawsuits...and especially no ads with Alex Trebek about insurance!
(Calms just a little) Sorry about that, my doctor says I get excited too easily- and don't tell me to zip through the commercials, since VCRs were replaced with that TIVO, I have absolutely no idea how to watch anything except live TV unless my grandchildren are around!
(Quiets a bit, trying to be calm) To start, for the first project, I want it to have a TV show, just like this, and I want it to address a severe need we have - the inability to open the simplest of objects!
(He now opens the bag)
Let me explain - I have here a container - simple enough - I bought it at the store.
(He holds it up)
I cannot open it - and I challenge you to try!
(He 'hands' the containers into the crowd)
And you are all younger than I am!
Let's see how long it takes you......
(He pulls a pocketwatch out and clicks, starting to time them, as he attempts to open the package himself - unsuccessfully. Looks at the watch)
Well, that's .......long enough......shall we waste more of the public's time?
I have a faster solution!
(He removes a small hammer from his other pocket and smashes the container on the ground.)
There - done!
Only problem - hard to eat the food now!
So what's the program? I want to have our first Senior Channel TV program where we track down all the people who make these unopenable items, and then we confront them, just like they do on 60 Minutes!
(He turns around - now he is both a reporter and a cowering subject.)
(Harsh, newslike) And our sources indicate you are the designer of this object which has caused, according to our calculations, over 10 million three hundred thousand sixty-one minutes of lost time per year! And that does not include the visits to the emergency room when physical injury was incurred during the opening of the object! What do you have to say for yourself?
(As the cowering designer) I ....Iwas jjjjjjjust .......doing my job!
(Back to himself) And then we will hit him....
(He hits himself, jumps.)
And they will never do that again!
The possibilities are endless! Everyone watching will be happy to send in objects to be part of the show - and if their item is chosen, they will get to confront the originators of these horrible omnipresent, omnipotent and ubiquitous objects!
Whew - that was an interesting line.......
The cost? Unimportant! The profit? Immense! This show could change the world - for the better! We could make the designers of these everyday items aware that WE ARE WATCHING - and we are MAD AS HELL, and WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!
And you could have people throwing these objects out of the windows, and it would be a huge hit!
Other programs on this channel will include actual people trying to open the packages - and we'd have them dropping objects from tall buildings, using buzz saws, and chain saws- can you imagine what will happen when the saw works, and food sprays all over people! and ......we have endless opportunities for fun!
So, which of you sharks want to be in on the ground floor of the hottest idea in the land of Seniors.......
(He closes up his bag, starts to walk off)
All of you? Well, that sounds just like my dream!
(He smiles and walks off. The end.)
Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8