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monologue mania Day#9                                      the senior channel

2/21/2014

4 Comments

 
Last single digit day!
Small print - A few words about 'free' - I mean that these are free to read, free to perform and video AS LONG AS NO MONEY IS CHARGED.  Once you want to charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me at tigerteam1@gmail.com for royalty info.  These monologues - and all my writing -are protected as follows - All rights reserved under the Berne and Pan-American copyright convention.
But I will be happy to give permission to do a video for youtube, as long as I receive credit - like Tori Langley did (Click here for THE TOWEL LADY THE TOWEL LADY.)


                               The Senior Channel 
                               by Janet S. Tiger
(c) all rights reserved  Feb. 21, 2014  tigerteam1@gmail.com


(An older man enters, he is holding a paper bag - and he is annoyed.)

This is my idea for your  Shark Tank!  I want to start a company - right now! - and I want it to be a channel for senior citizens, calling it, cleverly enough, THE SENIOR CHANNEL. It would be donations from seniors who want a channel for themselves. (Starts to get emotional) It would address important issues for senior citizens  - and best of all - because it is all donations - it would have NO ADS about bladder slings and Viagra and lawsuits...and especially no ads with Alex Trebek about insurance!

 (Calms just a little)  Sorry about that, my doctor says I get excited too easily- and don't tell me to zip through the commercials, since VCRs were replaced with that TIVO, I have absolutely no idea how to watch anything except live TV unless my grandchildren are around!

(Quiets a bit, trying to be calm) To start, for the first project,  I want it to have a TV show, just like this, and I want it to address a severe need we have - the inability to open the simplest of objects!

(He now opens the bag)

Let me explain -  I have here a container - simple enough - I bought it at the store.

(He holds it up)

I cannot open it - and I challenge you to try! 

(He 'hands' the containers into the crowd)

And you are all younger than I am!

Let's see how long it takes you......

(He pulls a pocketwatch out  and clicks, starting to time them, as he attempts to open the package himself - unsuccessfully.  Looks at the watch)

Well, that's .......long enough......shall we waste more of the public's time? 

I have a faster solution!

(He removes a small hammer from his other pocket and smashes the container on the ground.)

There - done!

Only problem - hard to eat the food now!

So  what's the program?  I want to have our first Senior Channel TV program where we track down all the people who make these unopenable items, and then we confront them, just like they do on 60 Minutes!

(He turns around - now he is both a reporter and  a cowering subject.)

(Harsh, newslike)  And our sources indicate you are the designer of this object which has caused, according to our calculations, over 10 million three hundred thousand sixty-one minutes of lost time per year!  And that does not include the visits to the emergency room when physical injury was incurred during the opening of the object!  What do you have to say for yourself?

(As the cowering designer)  I ....Iwas jjjjjjjust .......doing my job!

(Back to himself)  And then we will hit him....

(He hits himself, jumps.)

And they will never do that again!

The possibilities are endless!  Everyone watching will be happy to send in objects to be part of the show - and if their item is chosen, they will get to confront the originators of these horrible omnipresent, omnipotent and ubiquitous objects!

Whew - that was an interesting line.......

The cost? Unimportant!  The profit?  Immense!  This show could change the world - for the better!  We could make the designers of these everyday items aware that WE ARE WATCHING - and we are MAD AS HELL, and WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE! 

And you could have people throwing these objects out of the windows, and it would be a huge hit!

Other programs on this channel will include actual people trying to open the packages - and we'd have them dropping objects from tall buildings, using buzz saws, and chain saws- can you imagine what will happen when the saw works, and food sprays all over people! and ......we have endless opportunities for fun!

So, which of you sharks want to be in on the ground floor of the hottest idea in the land of Seniors.......

(He closes up his bag, starts to walk off)

All of you?  Well, that sounds just like my dream! 

(He smiles and walks off.  The end.)










Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
4 Comments
Jonathan
2/22/2014 01:15:45 am

AFTER I CLICK ON THE LINK TO YOUR MONOLOGUES BLOG, I READ THEM ALOUD TO MYSELF.
THE ONLY TROUBLE WITH THE DEMONSTRATION OF OPENING THE CONTAINER WITH A HAMMER (I THINK IT WOULD HAVE TO BE GLASS OR PLASTIC) IS THE MESS IT WOULD MAKE. I HAD A JAR OF PEACHES FROM COSTCO THAT WAS GIVING ME TROUBLE AND I HAD TO RUN THE LID UNDER HOT WATER AND TAP AROUND IT WITH THE BACK OF A CHEF’S KNIFE TO LOOSEN IT AND THEN USE A RUBBER PAD TO GAIN TRACTION TO FINALLY TWIST IT OFF.
YOU MIGHT GIVE CREDIT TO HOWARD BEALE FOR QUOTING HIS GREAT LINE IN “NETWORK.” (THANK YOU, PADDY CHAYEFSKY.)

Reply
Veronica
2/22/2014 01:29:31 am

Excellent! Where do I send the donation for Sr. T. V.?

Lots more to read here--yum.

Reply
Bree Bites Food link
12/1/2020 01:00:39 am

Interesting thoughts I really enjoyed your blog.

Reply
Janet S. Tiger
12/1/2020 01:11:39 am

Thanks for reading - hope you enjoy other monologues from this blog!

Reply



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    Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.

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    Janet S. Tiger’s award-winning plays and monologues have been produced internationally and are currently in popular anthologies in the United States and Canada.

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